


Solemn Promise

by caxsthetic



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Betrayal, Broken Engagement, Divorce, Established Relationship, F/M, Falling Out of Love, Missing Persons, Moving On, Post-Break Up, Post-Divorce, Slow Build, Slow Burn, broken relationship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-14
Updated: 2021-01-29
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:34:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 26,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28068636
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/caxsthetic/pseuds/caxsthetic
Summary: Love couldn’t guarantee that a relationship would last forever. And you learn about it by yourself; with signed paper, and an empty ring finger.
Relationships: Kita Shinsuke/Reader, Kuroo Tetsurou/Reader, Miya Atsumu & Reader, Miya Osamu & Reader, Suna Rintarou & Reader
Comments: 50
Kudos: 119
Collections: Inarizaki VBC





	1. Signed Paper

What was it that made everything go downhill? 

You wanted to breathe properly, you wanted to just let go of the aching feeling that you felt right now. But you couldn’t, not when you realised this marriage that you had with the love of your life was nothing more than just — an empty promise.

You always thought that it would last forever, a daydream from a young adult when her first love went down to one knee for her. But there was no such thing as a perfect relationship, and what you had with him was even far from perfect. Good, but not that good to the point it could make the two of you happy.

The rain was the only thing that you could hear right now. Even with the roof that shielded you from the cold water, you were freezing, without anyone who you could turn to, without anyone who would hold you close — without your husband there to calm you down, the only person you shared with how much you despised rain and storm.

You should have listened to your friend, to all the whispers that always sneak inside your ear. They told you it wouldn’t last, a relationship between you and the stern, stoic man, it was never meant to happen. But you were too blinded with your own feelings, you were sure that the two of you could make it.

And look where all of that optimism brought you to — nothing but anguish and regret. 

You remembered one of the vows that you shared with him, one line that was supposed to be the strength of your relationship. There was a gentle smile on his face that day as he focused himself solely on you when you read him the vow. 

_ “That even when society told us no, even when the world stops us from being together, you are going to be the only person I give my heart to. Completely, wholeheartedly.” _

You promised that you were not going to cry anymore. It was the choice that was made together, the best decision for either you or him. The two of you sat together, facing each other. Finally without you shouting and him throwing another hurtful truth. 

He signed, you signed, and yet the easiness that you thought you would feel never seemed to come.

Two days, he gave you two days to pack and grab anything that you wanted to collect from the house that was supposed to be your home with him. He would stay with his grandmother, he said that you didn’t have to come and explain things to his family, he would be the one who would tell them what happened.

And you were actually grateful for that — since you knew you could never face his family ever again for breaking the vow that you made. 

The last two days were the hardest days in your life for you felt that it was winter all over again while spring just came. When he left the house yesterday morning, you still hoped that he would come home before dusk. With a white towel wrapped around his neck, a few drops of sweat on his forehead.

You never mind seeing him like that, looking so tired as he wanted nothing but just snuggle closer, wrapping his arms around you from behind as you prepared dinner. His lips still ghosted on your skin, you could still feel the remnants of his warmth even though it had been weeks since the last time he was being affectionate towards you.

You just sat there on the cold, wooden floor, five feet apart from the front door — still waiting for him. Deep inside your heart you really wished that he would come back, that maybe yesterday morning you didn’t give him back the ring that for two years had been there wrapped gently around your ring finger.

Though you should have known not to put too much hope ever again. For now, he would never go home, back to you. Not yesterday, today, or even tomorrow.

On this cold night, you extended your hand, eyes scanning the bare skin that had nothing. The simple wedding band was not there anymore, and it was supposed to remind you that this is it. The matrimony that you fought so hard for, was ended the second you signed the paper.

Or in this case, it had already ended long before the two of you even realised it.

The knock on the door woke you up from your gloomy daydream. Feet brought you closer to the front door as you stumbled when you tried to stand up. You didn’t bother to check who it was from the peephole, your hand frantically turned the keys that seemed harder to unlock.

“Hello, dear.” It was so hard to breathe as you saw  _ her.  _ The woman who supported you through everything since junior high — the time you first met Shinsuke. “I am here alone.” The words slipped so carefully as she gazed at you with an apologetic look. “Is that alright with you, dear?”

As if she knew that you were waiting for someone else, someone that sadly wouldn’t come, even if she begged him to.

“Oh, granny.” You bit your lips, extending your hand for her to take. She didn't hesitate, resting her loose, wrinkled palm on top of yours. You guided her inside to the living room, turning up the temperature since she needed it more than you do. “Green tea like usual, granny?”

She eyed you carefully as you stood in front of her, knowing that you put some distance from her as she sat on the brown, soft couch. You would usually wrap your arms around her in an instant, feeling at peace with her around. But now she could see that her presence suffocated you. 

And it broke her heart.

“No, no. It’s alright, dear.” Her voice was so melodious, comforting you even without her trying — reminding you of his voice, flickering at the back of your head. “The heater and the fireplace is enough.” She assured you, patting the empty spot beside her, asking for you to sit.

But you didn’t budge, and now she knew how much the event from yesterday impacted the bond that she had with you too. “I am not angry.” Her words were enough to make you lift your head, facing her. “Shin told me everything, and it’s  _ not  _ — your fault.”

The way your body trembled didn’t go unnoticed by her. Tears started to drip down your face, she could see it even when you let your head hang low, trying to hide the whirlwind emotion that you felt right now.

She couldn’t do much, she already tried everything to make sure you would end up with her grandchild. When Shinsuke didn’t know what to do with the feelings that he had, she guided him little by little. When you told her that you saw Shinsuke more than you were supposed to, she told you to reach higher, to reach him, and open up his heart.

And if at the end God forbid you and him to be together, then there was nothing else that she could do.

Yumie opened up her arms, and it didn’t need another second to pass before you fell on your knees and cried on top of her thighs. You were so cold, even with how many layers shielding you from the freezing atmosphere, your skin was still as cold as ice.

And maybe, it was not just from the extreme temperature that filled the room. But it was too, caused by the coldness that started to grow from your heart.

“I am sorry.” You hiccuped, both hands clenching on her skirt. “I don’t want it to be like this, I don’t want Shin and I to give up!” Sorrow coated every word that dripped from your lips, and she could do nothing but be there to soothe you. “I  _ love _ him, granny. Why do we end up like  _ this _ ?”

She parted her lips, wanting to say something that could maybe make you feel better. But when you loved someone, too much that you even loved them more than yourself and still lost them — she didn’t know anymore if there was any form of sentence that could close the wound.

You needed to know the truth, you needed to hear it. But she couldn’t, she didn’t have the courage to break your heart even more with a hurtful reality. You were already a crying mess on her lap right now, wetting the fabric of the wool skirt that she wore, asking the universe  _ why _ .

Her palm fell to your head, caressing your hair gently to show you that she was there, listening. “I love Shinsuke so much, I promise.” You swallowed a huge lump, whispering the confession since you didn’t want her to think you were falling out of love.

“I know, my dear.”

The truth, she didn’t need to hear that. She knew all along that either you or her grandchild never once stopped loving each other. With how tears streamed down his cheek yesterday morning the second she opened her front door, with how you were weeping on her lap, feeling so lost — she understood that the two of you had  _ tried. _

It’s just that,

“But sometimes,” She bites her lips, eyes darted to the fireplace instead of you. “Sometimes, love itself is not enough.”


	2. A Match

“Good afternoon, miss. How can I help you?”

You just gave a curt nod to the employee, appreciating her effort with a kind smile, and turned her down gently. She was the same woman that you met the first time you moved around here, the same employee who offered you a fake smile that would be gone the second you walked past her.

_ City life _ , you thought. The place where people work mostly just to survive another day. They said when you moved to a big city, your dreams would come true, that opportunity could be found everywhere.  _ Bullshit.  _ For the majority of people, it was not that easy.

And for you? You could actually call yourself lucky now that you had a stable income and a great apartment downtown — just a year and a half after the  _ incident  _ that left you nothing but an empty heart. One that made you leave your hometown, for you couldn’t bear to see  _ them _ the same way again.

You shook your head, trying to focus back on your task. Your thumb swiped up your phone screen, unlocking your phone to see the list of the groceries that you need. It was always the same thing though, the majority of it. Vegetables, rice, milk, cereal, red meat, fresh fish, just things that could fill your fridge for at least two weeks.

Groceries shopping was something that made you feel at ease. Eyes scanning the rows of colourful packaging, checking the brand and which one to buy from all the good options — for you, being here was like some kind of get-away since you could see all kinds of people too at one place. Kinda like watching a movie.

“Baby! Can we buy this cereal again?”

You were now in a cereal row when your eyes landed on a young couple. Probably newlyweds, seeing how they were still in their lovey-dovey state. The woman was pouting, whining as she wanted to grab one of the limited caramel cereal that was famous for the last few weeks.

It was fun — to just hear and see. The row was not really occupied by a lot of people, you could still hear the whine that came out from the young woman as you were two meters away from them, kneeling to get your favourite cereal.

“We can buy it, right? I promise I am going to eat it! Please, please? Pretty please, Shin?”

Your hand stopped the second a familiar name slipped from her lips. The world became silent as now you could only hear their voice. Or it was more like — you just wanted to focus on them, dread engulfed you all of a sudden.

“Alright, grab one again. But I want to buy another bottle of wine. That’s the deal.”

Though you relaxed once again as he spoke up, the voice was too pitched, unlike  _ someone  _ you used to know that bears the same name as the guy that stood a few meters away from you right now.

“Gah, okay.  _ Deal _ ! Share the drink with me too, baby!”

“Okay, okay, you spoiled lady.”

You tried to hold a snort that was trying to escape your lips. Now feeling so sure that it would be impossible for the young guy to be the man from your past.  _ He _ always turned down your request, making sure that the two of you didn’t buy something that was not on the list, never once giving in.

Funny how the man that you were supposed to forget still haunts you in every step that you took. How with just a single mention of his name, your mind would be blank and turn into a void.

Kita Shinsuke was the man who owned your heart. He was gentle, just and precise, and knew exactly the things that he wanted in this life. You could see that whatever happened, you wouldn’t have to doubt him. Either about loyalty or honesty — for everything that he said was true from his heart.

But in the end, words couldn’t really measure the feelings that someone had.

_ “You know I love you, I would never say something that I didn’t mean.” _

_ A chuckle slipped from your lips, so bitter that it made him lose his composure for a second, clenching his hand that was resting on top of his thigh. You could feel his eyes bore towards you, making you feel so bare as you knew he could see right through you. _

_ And you waited — for any other syllables to slip from his lips.  _

_ Maybe a ‘We can try again,’ or something as simple as ‘Wait,’ while you grabbed the pen that was laying on the table. Two seconds, three seconds, you wanted to hear any kind of sign that maybe he still wanted to fight for this relationship even though it was already dead. _

_ But there was nothing, nothing more as silence was the only thing that filled the air. _

_ You didn’t know what was the point of the statement. He already signed the paper, black ink seeped into the thin white paper the second he sat in front of you. He didn’t ask you again if you were sure about the decision.  _

_No. He just sat, telling you that it was_ ** _the_** _paper, and pulled the pen from his breast pocket, signing it without hesitation, without waiting for your response._

_ “Yes, yes you do love me, Shin.” You let out a breathy sigh, shaking your head as you opened up the pen cap, hand hovering over the paper. “But you didn’t love me enough to actually try.” _

_ He parted his lips, another retort was ready to be spoken, and you knew that. So you do exactly what he did before, incising the paper with the same black ink, jotting down your name right beside his. _

_ Two years ago, you remembered that you did the exact same thing. Signing a paper, with the same pen from his breast pocket. There was a smile on his face, a kiss on your forehead as he claimed you, stealing your last name and replacing it with his. _

_ The name that he asked back, the name that you let go — right at this moment. _

_ “We should have listened to what people said, right?” You had this smile plastered on your face, a facade to show him that you were alright. “We wouldn’t last, they said.” Another chuckle slipped from your lips as you closed the pen, putting it on top of the paper. “We should have seen it coming,” _

_ And with your eyes locked on his, you pulled a metal band from your finger, placing it precisely beside the fine-point black pen. “Right,  _ **_Kita-san_ ** _?” _

Your head was empty as you grabbed all of the remaining groceries, throwing it mindlessly to the cart with your lips shaped into a thin line. You caught yourself flickering your eyes back and forth to your ring finger, feeling the heaviness that felt just right as if there was a silver ring circled around it.

You thought that by leaving behind your life in Hyogo and started anew, with time, everything could be forgotten. That in your mind, away from the place that was filled with memories shared with him, could help you get better.

Yet almost two years had passed, and it still felt like it was yesterday you left the house that was supposed to be your forever home. And you hated yourself sometimes, for letting your mind predominate with him that was probably moved on.

While here, someone else was ready to embrace all of your flaws.

_ Riing~ Riing~ _

You dropped your phone to the ground, surprised as the default ringtone rang through your ear. Everyone stared at you, some with amused looks, some with annoyance written on their faces. You immediately pick up your phone, sliding the screen to accept the call.

“Hel-”

“Hey! Are you still in the grocery store?”

You chuckled from the enthusiasm that he radiated, muttering under your breath how he always sounded like a child when he was talking to you. “I heard that, babe. You are still in the grocery store, right?”

“Yeah, yeah. I am still here.” You pushed the cart with one hand, stabilizing it by walking slowly towards the cashier. “Why? Do you need anything?”

He laughed a little, silence all of a sudden. This made you raise one of your eyebrows, wondering why he seemed to be so quiet. “What? You run out of condoms?”

“Babe, what the fuck.” He screeched when he heard your question, and you could see him shaking his head from the other line, not approved of your boldness. “No, goodness. I will buy it by myself if we run out.”

“Hmhm, then what is it?” You hummed coquettishly, eyes darted to the rows of cashiers, choosing the furthest one. “Be quick, I am near the cashier already.”

“Have you brought the fish fillet?” The question halted you, making you groan in an instant. You should have known that it would just be him checking out if you already bought his favourite food or not. “I want it fresh, premium quality, and—”

“Imported. I know, I freaking know what you want, you old man.” He gasped at your response, making you snicker with how affected he was with the mockery. “Alright, baby, I will hang up now, okay? I am already in the queue.”

“Ah, alright. You got there by taxi?”

“Yes, I am too lazy to drive.” You answered mindlessly, giving a soft smile to the cashier as you put your groceries for them to process. “I really need to hang up now. I will talk to you later when I get home.”

“Sounds good, love you, babe.”

You swallowed a huge lump, lifting the ten kilograms of rice to the cashier. Your eyes darted to the numbers on the screen, one hand still on your ear as you still had the call connected.

“Love you too, baby.”

There was no time for you to think about a man who wouldn’t try hard enough to keep a relationship with you. You were worth being in a relationship with someone that would love you and actually wanted to keep the relationship alive.

You didn’t need Kita Shinsuke, he was just a man in your past who taught you that love could never guarantee a relationship to last. Here, in Tokyo, someone asked you out, someone asked you to be their girlfriend, someone asked you to love him.

And after more than a year closing your heart to lots of people, you were ready to open it one more time, in hope that he would be different. 

That maybe this time, he could be a match to your lonely soul.

You put back all the groceries in the cart, pushing it outside after you paid. Carefully, you tried not to bump into people, especially children who would usually run around without a care in the world. 

This was the most frustrating time when you went grocery shopping, queuing for a taxi. Some of the old ladies would usually cut the line, saying excuses about how they were in a hurry. Some of them were genuine, but some of them just didn’t want to wait for their turn.

You decided to check all the groceries one more time while you waited, making sure that there was nothing you forgot. It was kinda heavy, all of the bags. You would need to ask the driver to help you get it inside the car later on.

“Need help, kitten?”

Your heart stopped when the voice that you just heard from the phone call, now suddenly rang through the same air as yours. You stood still, lifting your head slowly only to be met by a hazel coloured eyes that have been the sight that you saw every morning for the last three months.

“You are kidding me.”

He stood there like a model, as if he was just out of a movie. His black suit was buttoned up nicely, blood-red tie accentuating the white shirt underneath. You could see how some of the teenagers and young adults giggling and blushing, eyes focused on him.

“What? Surprised to see me?” He walked closer to you, grabbing the groceries bag from your hand as his eyes locked with yours, face only an inch away from you. “Didn’t expect this  _ old man _ to pick you up, babe?”

You rolled your eyes, trying so hard to hold your giggle as you kept some of the groceries, didn’t want him to be the only one who carries it. He was always so sly, thinking that it was easy to make you all putty.

So you closed the gap, ignoring the gasp that came from all sides. Your lips grazed with his, lashes almost touched each other. He smelled luxury, clean, and sleek from the perfume that he always wore when he went to work.

In this small moment, you knew that this relationship would be far different from the previous. That this time, you wouldn’t have to worry about not trying hard enough.

“Nah.” You whispered softly, breath tickling his lips, challenging him even more. “I know that you can’t get enough of me,  _ Tetsu _ .”

Since a relationship that you had right now — was a match made in heaven.


	3. In Heaven

“I thought your meeting would last 'till afternoon.”

You put on your seatbelts, placing a peck on his cheek before positioning yourself on the passenger seat. Actually, you didn’t expect him to pop out in front of the grocery store out of the blue like that since you knew how busy he was, especially these days when there was a tournament going on.

“I thought so too.” He checked up on you, his eyes moved around to see if you already clicked the seatbelts and sat comfortably. “But a miracle happened,” When he knew you were done, that was when he started to drive. “They approved all of the plans that I submitted.”

“No fucking way—” You gasped, clamping your palm on your mouth since you couldn’t seem to close your lips. “That’s crazy! I am so proud of you, Tetsu.”

Being a sports promoter was not an easy job. You knew that from how he rarely slept, to the dozen cups of coffee piling up on the sink, and the way he always sighed here and there, taking off his glasses when he was too tired.

Though you always tried to make sure he got proper rest. Since he had to wake up every morning, making sure everything works out exactly as how he wanted it to be.

“I mean, I know I can nail it just like usual anyway.” He sounded smug, lips tugged into a smirk and you very much wanted to slap that expression away from his face. “So? Am I going to get anything?”

You rolled your eyes, turning your head to take a proper look at him with an expression that showed — _‘are you really just fucking say that?’ —_ written all over your face. 

He let out a small chuckle, somehow knowing how your face contorted right now even though his eyes were focused on the road ahead. “You know you don’t have to look at me like that, (Y/n).”

“I am sorry, what?” You cleared your throat, couldn't believe him sometimes. "If you ask for a reward every time your plan was accepted by the higher-ups, I will be broke and wouldn’t be able to pay my rent, you big doofus."

"Then move in with me."

_ "Move in with me." _

_ You choked on the miso soup that you were eating, didn't expect the words to blurt out from him. Shinsuke immediately grabbed a glass of water, handing it to you with eyebrows scrunched due to worry. "I am sorry, here." _

_ The two of you just spend time together inside his house, a routine that you shared with him every weekend. This house was not big, but not too small that it felt cramped. Not a Japanese traditional house, but not that kind of sleek modern house either. _

_ He bought it around six months ago from his cousin; using all the money from his savings, boosted by all the profit that he got from being a rice farmer. It was incredible — how he seemed to strive in this life.  _

_ And you made sure that you supported him every step of the way. _

_ You didn't know why he seemed to rush it though, buying a house, renovating it, asking for your help to decorate the house. He bought a nice family car too after that, silver colour, saying that it didn't get dirty so easily, yet still sophisticated. _

_ He had everything that he wanted at the age of twenty-three. _

_ Well, almost. _

_ "What... What's with the question, Shin?" You had to make sure. "Do you really want  _ **_me_ ** _ to move in with you?" You had to make sure that it was real. _

_ "Of course." He held your gaze, warm hazelnut eyes never let you go. "You are the only person that I will fall for." His hand reaching out to you, meeting your hand on top of the table. "You are the only person that I want to share a house with." _

_ Then he smiles, lips shaped into a beautiful crescent moon. The gesture was inviting, everything about him mesmerized you. You thought about it a lot, how living with Shinsuke would be. And right now, he gave you the chance to see it. _

_ He let you in, completely. The door opened wide as he waited for you to come in. _

_ "Your answer, please?" _

_ How could you resist that? If you were sure that the house would be filled with his warmth? _

_ You could feel the tears brimming at the corner of your eyes, trickling down your cheek as your lips carved into a smile. You chuckled, squeezing his hand that interlaced with yours as you tried to look at him in between the blurry vision from the tears. _

_ "Oh, Shin…" This brought you closer to the ultimate dream that you ever wanted. "I would love to." _

_ And with the same smile plastered on his face, you knew that he shared the same dream with you. _

_ "Thank you for trusting me enough to have you." _

_ "No, thank  _ **_you —_ ** _ for letting me in." _

You blinked once, twice. Trying to process the words that were just rolling down from your lover's tongue. He said it like he had been practicing the same sentence over and over again. So fluidly, and yet still feels — genuine. "So…?"

"Are you being serious?"

He groaned out of frustration when he could hear the oblivious tone of your voice. "I mean, you like to joke around, Tetsu. I just need to make sure."

"You think I would joke around about something as important as this?"

The traffic light turned red, he sighed as the car finally stopped, hands gripping on the steering wheel. He looked a little frustrated, or perhaps afraid, you couldn't really decipher what it was. "We are practically living together anyway, just a different apartment every week. Why not make it more… serious?"

As if on cue, the light turned green, making his eyes focused back on the street. The universe gave you time to think. Moving in was a big step in a relationship, not long could be followed by an engagement ring, and you didn't know if you were ready to have that all over again.

You didn't know if you were ready — to give your heart one hundred percent to someone that just had your attention for a few months.

"Can I think about it first?" You asked, sounding a little timid since you were afraid that you would hurt his pride. He didn't answer, though he swallowed a huge lump, clearing his throat before speaking up.

"Of course." His palm fell on your thigh, patting it gently. "Take as much time as you need."

You could feel the tension in your muscles starting to relax when you heard his response. At least he didn't feel hurt, at least he understood. Wouldn't life be easy if everyone was like him?

"Though," He spoke up once again, gaining your attention. "You looked so afraid." But this time, you could feel your muscles tense again, even more than before. "I always take a proper look at you, (Y/n). You always straighten up your posture when I nudge about taking our relationship to the next level."

You could feel cold sweats start to form on your back and forehead. You didn't like this in one bit, you wanted to get out from here. Suddenly, the space in the car suffocated you, breath labored as the silence felt so heavy. "Is it because of your previous relationship?"

"I am not ready."

Your voice was low, sounded so cold as you turned all of the sorrow in your heart into a blank void. You shut off your emotion, choosing to feel nothing at all as you didn't want to fall into the same pit of hell over and over again.

"You are trembling, (Y/n)."

You ignored it, clenching your hand into a fist, and threw your gaze outside the window. He immediately pulled over, worried about how you seemed so quiet all of a sudden and the way you tried to hide your trembling form.

The car stopped on the quiet street, neon lights that still off telling you that you were alone here since this street only showed their faces when nighttime came. “Hey, baby. Hey, look at me.”

His voice sounded so distant, you tried to calm yourself down, counting from one to ten, over and over again. 

_ One _ , you met his eyes.  _ Two _ , he thanked you for the tofu hamburger you made for him.

_ Three _ , he accompanied you back home.  _ Four _ , he confessed his feelings.

_ Five _ , he interlaced his hand with yours.  _ Six _ , he captured your lips confidently.

_ Seven,  _ he said he loved you.  _ Eight _ , he got down on one knee.

_ Nine,  _ he hugged you from behind, the scent of hard work reeking from him.

_ Ten,  _ you were laying in his embrace, feeling the metal band clashing from both of your hands.

And it stopped there.

There were no eleven, twelve, or thirteen. You didn’t want to count more than ten. For all the pieces of memories that exist after ten — was all about how you screamed and shouted, it was all about how he said he was disappointed with your attitude, how at the end, you sat face to face with him in silence.

“I told you once, that I used to have a relationship.”

You finally opened up your mouth, though your eyes were still gazing outside the window. “We always — no. We used to compromise for everything. Because we are different, we are too goddamn different, we have to compromise for every little thing.” You chuckled bitterly, your right fingertip caressing the bare ring finger on your left hand. “The sweet phase stretched from high school until around two years ago.”

“Two years ago…” He repeated your words, making you turn your head to face him. The black-haired man had his head hanging low, face scrunched up as he was deep in thought. “Wait, that means—”

“Yeah.” You forced a smile, letting out a long sigh, hoping that the heaviness inside your heart would be lifted. “When you found me wasted at the bar downtown, it was like two weeks after the  _ divorce _ .”

“What?” Your current lover looked at you with disbelief. No, not like the one that was filled with betrayal. But more like  _ why _ , why you never said anything that your wound was way deeper than you ever showed.

“Yes, Tetsurou.” You grabbed his hand, squeezing it gently as you drew circles at the back of it. “We loved each other so much. If not, we are not going to be married for two years!” The information didn’t pain him, but somehow, he knew what message you were trying to say here. “But we are not working, Tetsu… Because, because—”

“Sometimes love is not enough.”

You bite your lips, couldn’t believe that you showed him how some parts of your soul were still left behind in Hyogo, inside the heart of a man named Kita Shinsuke. At this moment, you were not going to be surprised if he would leave you.

But instead of leaving or saying some harsh words, the black-haired man unfastened his seat belt, unfastened yours  — and pulled your trembling body in his embrace.

“It’s alright.” He whispered in your ear, his palm caressing your hair, saying sweet nothings to calm you down. “I know, I know about how love is not enough.”

You pulled away slightly when you heard his confession, eyes gazing at him as if asking how. “You told me everything that night — well,  _ almost  _ everything. One and a half years ago, you told me, and I listened. I will always listen to you.”

His brown orbs looked at you as if you were the most fragile thing in this world, lifting one of his hands so he could cup your cheek, trying to make you see that he was not the same man.

“Tetsu, I—”

“Take your time.” He tucked the strand of your hair behind your ear so delicately. “Let’s just get home, sit comfortably, and we can talk about it later.” You tensed up once again, and it didn’t go unnoticed by him. “Or we can watch  _ The Return of the King _ again if you want! I will prepare the popcorn. How does that sound?”

You chuckled at his effort, nodding softly before kissing the palm of his hand that rested on your cheek.

“That would be perfect.”


	4. Glimpse of Love

You were afraid to fall in love —  _ again _ .

He could see it from the very first moment he met you. Kuroo was not that stupid. Yes, he may not be  _ that _ good with women or relationships in general, but he was observant enough to see right through you.

Lots of his friends had been mourning because of heartbreak. One of his friends that was now an outside hitter for the Japan National Team even once woke up his neighbours while in such an emotional state. Screaming out loud after a break up with his lover.

Kuroo had lived long enough in this world to know, to understand that love was not like how teen lit novels showed. It was not just butterflies inside the stomach, not just holding hands and won’t let go even if sweat already formed, not just kissing under the moonlight with speakers blaring some lo-fi songs.

Love was not just all about those blissful feelings that everyone seeks.

For love could be turned into a curse, leaving the one who got the  _ sickness _ with misery and tears streaming down their faces. Sometimes — it even made someone lose their willingness to live.

And up until now, he still wonders why he brought you back to his apartment. Around two years ago, where he accompanied his best friend to cheer him up. He never thought that he would find what he hoped was love since he felt that he never had time for that.

Yet he found it inside a woman who drank lots of vodkas, drowning in pain and numbing her heart with alcohol. He found it inside a woman who asked for more liquor, more glasses, more, and more without stopping.

He found it inside a woman who was now lying on his couch, with his arms draped around her. Sleeping peacefully, forgetting the movie that was playing in the background that he muted so it wouldn’t wake her up.

He found the glimpse of the joyous of love, unexpectedly inside  _ you _ .

_ “I think I am gonna throw up.” Kuroo patted his friend’s back, shaking his head in disbelief. He couldn’t believe in himself though, he wondered why he agreed to go here, at the bar downtown while he had to go to the office around 7 am tomorrow. _

_ Maybe because he cared for his friend too much. Yeah, that must be it. The rowdy wing spiker just got his heart shattered into a million little pieces and as a good friend he is, he had to be there. _

_ “I-I am going to the toilet.” _

_ “You okay going alone?” Truth be told, he was extremely worried since he knew sometimes when his friend became too emotional, something  _ **_bad_ ** _ could happen and he didn’t want that. _

_ “Duh, I am a grown-up.” His friend rolled his eyes, acting so tough. “I can pee alone thank you. I am not going to be hysterical while peeing anyway.” _

_ Kuroo snorted at the answer, somehow doubting that since his mind was already prepared with things that he should do once he heard someone crying and screaming from the restroom. He didn’t show it though, believing that his friend could take care of himself. _

_ He was alone now. Not entirely, but now he hoped his friend chose a table instead of sitting directly at the bar. He could feel the eyes of the bartender staring at him, and it very much made him uncomfortable.  _ **_He owes me lots._ ** _ His fingers raked the black strands of his hair as he could only grumble under his breath. _

_ His eyes darted to the non-alcoholic drink that he ordered, sighing as now he thought about something that he never let himself fall into — love. _

_ He knew how it felt to be in a relationship with someone, he had been there, and he didn’t want to go back again.  _

_ Though, his heart longed to have all of that; physical contact, good morning text, knowing someone was there for him, sweet kisses every meeting. He could get all of those again if he wanted, but he decided  _ **_not_ ** _ to. _

_ Kuroo Tetsurou didn’t want to be with someone again, investing his time to love — not when he knew it was no use. Since in the end, nothing would last forever. _

_ But then again, he never expected you to come barging into his life. _

_ “Why do ya look so fucked up?” He jolted when he could feel someone’s breath on his ear, making him stumble and almost fall from the stool. “Man, yer not even wasted yet so tense! Loosen up, old man!” _

**_Holy fuck, did this drunkard woman really just called me an old man?_ **

_ “I am sorry, miss. I am here to accompany a friend.” Though no matter how irritated he was from her words, he made sure to stay polite. After all, there was no good outcome from fighting a woman — a drunk woman to be exact. _

_ “Then what’s yer drink? That one you ordered looks so bland.” His eyebrow twitched, letting out a sigh from the blunt statement. “You didn’t look like someone just ripped your heart apart yet you seem more depressed than me, sir.”  _

_She cackled, making him groan, and hit his forehead on the bar table, questioning what he did in the past life to encounter someone like her. “Hm? I may still have my heart intact.” He said it with an absolute tone, confidence lingering his words._ _“But that doesn’t mean my life is not troublesome. Grow up, young lady, love is not everything.”_

_ “Shut the fuck up.” _

_ He was a little bit flabbergasted when he heard the sudden change of intonation. She was so cheery and mischievous before. But now he could feel the hair on his nape tingling as he received a glare from the woman. The stranger just sighed and focused on the drink in her hand, staring at it with the same intense glare that he just got. _

_ “Yeah, yeah love is not everything. Even a child knows that.” She scoffed and drank her liquor in one gulp before ordering the same thing again to the bartender. Now she looked stressed, heartbroken — eyes glistening with tears as it almost fell down her cheek. “But he’s everything to me.” _

_ He raised one of his eyebrows when he heard the mumbles that slipped from her tongue. She kept rambling under her breath, saying thanks to the bartender after she got her drink once again, but continued to mutter things.  _

_ Not going to lie, he felt bad now since he thought it was his fault that she cried. If only he didn’t nudge deeper about love, maybe she would just tease him non-stop instead of being a mess like his friend did. _

_ “Hey,” He called out, making her turn to face him. She looked so much in pain, as if needing some comfort, that was what he was sure of as he leaned closer. “I am sorry for being nonchalant. I am all ears if you need someone to vent, okay?” His hand rested on her shoulder, patting it gently, trying to show her that he meant no harm. _

_ She didn’t say anything for the next few seconds. And he could feel himself being awkward now with how the silence ensued. His eyes darted to the restroom, maybe he could excuse himself after this to check out on his friend if she wouldn’t say anything. _

_ “I am in love with this man. He is the definition of perfect.” She spoke up, though her words making him pursed his lips, couldn’t believe that someone could fall in love that deep to the point they called them perfection. “Shin is someone who can keep me grounded, he is like the anchor to my wild life.” _

_ A chuckle slipped from her lips, followed by a little genuine smile. “We are so different, but it makes us complete each other, you know? Just opposite attract thingy~” She looked like a teenager in love, bubbly and rambling about her first love. “Bet if he saw me right now, he would whoop my ass back once we are home — not that I am complaining.” _

_ He shuddered from the suggestive tone that rolled down her tongue, though a little bit amused at how she was so starstruck over this  _ **_Shin_ ** _ guy. “Ah, no. He… He would not approve this though.” Her voice softened, reminiscing the relationship. “Instead, he would take care of me, changing my clothes gently, tucking me in bed, and preparing some aspirin for me when I wake up the next day.” _

_ From how her orbs glistened with joy, everyone could see how much in love she was with this man she was talking about. “I love him, I am so in love with him. And he loves me too! I know he loves me too. Granny knows that, our friends know that, but—”  _

_ Then came again, the sorrow inside her eyes. _

_ “Like what a wise woman once said to me," She cleared her throat, cleaning it from the alcohol that was coating it before. "Sometimes, love is not enough to save a relationship.” _

_ He hummed, pondering about the sentence. His mind took him back to when he had someone to come home to. How he already fought so hard over it, putting time and effort for them, how even with all the attention and affection that he gave, in the end, it didn’t work out like he wanted to. _

_ Kuroo Tetsurou refused to fall in love — because he knew love was not enough, and trying hard to keep a relationship still wouldn’t guarantee for it to last. _

_ “Yeah.” He patted her back, letting her know that he listened to every word she said. “Relationships are not that simple. You can try to love, you can compromise, but still fail in the end.” He sighed, couldn't believe he let himself think about this too. "But that's just how love is — I guess." _

_ She only snorted and focused back on herself. Maybe feeling a little bit at ease that he finally let out what troubled her. Then she drank her liquor in one gulp, ordering the same thing, again and again as she wallowed herself in sadness.  _

_ Tonight, he didn’t expect to meet someone like her. He was just here to be a good friend and cheering his friend up, letting him drink as much as he wanted. It was late now, almost 1 am. For him, it was late since he had work in just a few hours. His friend was already back from the restroom and decided that it was best to numb himself with drinks. _

_ And now, Kuroo Tetsurou was left with two wasted people. _

_ She was mumbling under her breath with her eyes closed, too low that he couldn’t hear it. While his friend snores so loud that he received an irritation look from the bartender and the few other patrons. Yeah, he had to leave now. _

_ Gently, he picked his friend up, cursing since his friend was almost twice as big as him. Yes, he worked out a lot, but his body was still lean compared to the snoring man that was giggling here and there in his arm. And for sure he didn’t want to know what kind of dream his friend had. _

_ The black-haired man laid his friend on the backseat of his car, locking the door since he still had to pay for the drinks. He almost cried when he heard the grand total. No matter how much money he had right now, he still didn’t like to spend lots in just one night. _

_ He was ready to step out, bringing his friend back home. Though his eyes flickered to the woman who he just met, now still asleep and mumbling under her breath. But something was different — since now she looked like she had a nightmare, gasping with tears streaming down her face. Muttering, _

_ “I am sorry. I am sorry. I am sorry.” Again and again without a pause as if the man that she loved was currently standing in front of her. She finished the apology with a soft, cracked voice. One that made him sighed and paid for her drinks too before taking her to his car. _

_ Kuroo may not know her, but he couldn’t just leave someone who opened up to him about herself. He positioned her on the passenger seat, making sure that she was safe with a seatbelt fastened in front of her body. _

_ He couldn’t leave her there inside the bar, sobbing and crying all alone. She was a woman, with no friends around to protect. Who knows what would happen to her if he left with just his friend. _

_ And of course, he didn’t have the heart to abandon her, not when she was in so much pain, missing the other half of her heart. _

“Good morning, sleepyhead.” 

He heard you yawn, followed by a loud thud since you rolled your body to the side, making you fall to the ground not knowing that you were still on the couch.

“Fuck!” His laughter spread all over the living room when he heard you curse. One, two, “Tetsu!”  _ Ah, woman _ . “Why the heck am I still here?!”

You grumbled, standing up with your lips jutted out to the front, didn’t like the fact that you were now sore all over your body. If you were sore because of sex or something, so be it, you wouldn’t complain.

But to have your muscles all tense and bones felt like it cracked  _ just _ because of you sleeping on the couch? You were not going to shut up about it for days.

“I can’t believe you.” You scoffed and slipped yourself on the island’s stool, glaring at the man who was now cooking some omelet for breakfast. “I told you that sleeping on the couch hurts.”

“Well, I didn’t want to wake you up.” He didn’t dare to turn his head, knowing exactly that you threw a dagger at him with your eyes at the moment. The pressure you put on was real and now he was stalling the moment by lowering the fire on the stove.

"I am a heavy sleeper, Tetsu." You sighed, popping the seedless grape on the kitchen island to your mouth. "You know that. It would be fine if you drag me to the bed or something."

“Ah, sorry. I forgot you sleep like a log.” He smiled sheepishly before finally turning off the stove, placing the omelet into the pristine white plate. “Here you go.” He gently pushed the plate in your direction, thinking that maybe food could bring your mood back to normal.

But no, you grabbed it and ate with your lips still formed in a thin line. You even cut the omelet with force, making a sound that rang in his ear as the stainless steel knife made contact with the porcelain plate, resulting in him to hiss since he didn’t like the sound of it.

Now he knew that you were trying to torture him. You know some annoying sound that made him feel uncomfortable, and this is one of it.

“Hey, now.” He tried to call you out, wanting to make you stop. “(Y/n), oi!” It didn’t make you stop though. Instead, he ended up fueling you even more, making you clang your knife harder to the plate. “I have a gift for you before but now I don’t know if I should give it or not.”

Then you stop moving, lips parted as your eyes meet with his.  _ Gotcha. _

“What is it?”

“Like hell I’ll tell you after that little stunt you did.”

His voice sounded mischievous, the smirk that plastered on his face right now just showed how he felt like he won this  _ fight _ . “I will tell you if you stop pouting and acting like a child.”

You held his gaze for a few seconds there, contemplating if surrendering was the best choice. But you were too curious, he was not really the type to give you something out of the blue. So it must be pretty special — and you wanted to know.

“Alright, alright.” You gently put the knife and fork down, resting both of your hands on the kitchen island. “So? What is it?”

“Hehe,” The black-haired man didn’t say anything, though his hand went to his back, grabbing something from the pocket on his pants. “Here you go!” And he slammed it in front of you, pulling his hand away to reveal the item.

It was just a piece of paper with a metallic print for the text. They finished the whole paper with a glossy coat, making it more resistant to water. Though, the material was not the thing that caught your eyes.

But the text, what emblazoned there was the one that made your eyes go wide.

**_VIP PASS_ **

**_TOKYO OLYMPIC MEN’S VOLLEYBALL — DAY 12_ **

Having a boyfriend who worked in the Japan Volleyball Association really intrigued you. Sometimes you would ask here and there about who was the best player at the moment, and even though you wanted to bury your old life behind, you couldn’t help but be proud when a certain setter, middle blocker, and wing spiker was mentioned.

“You like it?” Your body jolted when you heard his question. Muttering a simple ‘Yes.’ as you were still in shock with the gift. “You said you wanted to know the fields that I work in, so I think this will be a good time.”

He walked towards you as you grabbed the ticket, thumbing the smooth surface of the glossy coat. “Let me show you the world that I am in.”

Something tugged at the string of your heart.  _ Volleyball. _ The said sport had been important to you since Junior High, you couldn’t shake the feelings that started to brim in your heart. You tried to shake it off, but it was still there, screaming out your name.

“What—” You swallowed a huge lump, letting your boyfriend rest his chin on your shoulder as your eyes still focused on the metallic lettering. “What match? What team is it?”

Kuroo hummed softly, nuzzling his head on your cheek, didn't realise how uncomfortable you were at that moment. He didn’t even notice how your voice trembled a little. He was just there, feeling certain that you were excited.

“Japan versus Argentina.”


	5. Lose

“ **Yer such a big baby, 'Tsumu.** ”

He growled when he heard the teasing tone from the other lines, now asking himself why he used the few minutes before the match calling his twin brother. “ **Just admit it, wouldja? You miss tossing the ball to me, right?** ”

The setter parted his lips, wanting to deny his twin and just hang up the call. Of course, he would curse his brother for even thinking that way. But then again, he couldn't deny that. He couldn't deny the fact that he wanted to have his brother with him again on the court and he was sure the younger twin must have known it.

“Yeah, so?” He grumbled under his breath. “Of course I miss tossing to ya, but yer good there. We are good.” He sighed, his words making the man on the other line go silent. “Just... just watch me, wouldja?”

They were in different cities right now, a hundred kilometers apart from each other. Both pursued different dreams; one in volleyball, one in the food chain. But they were not a kid anymore, they knew that no matter what, nothing could make them apart from each other in the heart.

“ **Why do you think I put a television in the shop for? Just for pleasing the patrons?** ” He snorted when he heard the remark. “ **You better toss to those monsters how they want it, ‘Tsumu.** ”

“Duh, Samu.” The setter rolled his eyes, though with how a smile plastered on his face, everyone could see that he was not really annoyed by the man that he called right now. “You know better than anyone else I always do the best for everyone.”

“ **Bruh, such a big head ya have there.** ”

And then they were silent. It was not an uncomfortable one, not the one that made him want to hang up the call. The way that his twin brother in the other line made him feel at ease and even though there were no words being spoken out loud, it was enough for him.

“H-Hey, Samu.” But he wanted to know.

“ **Yeah?** ”

“How uhm,” He cleared his throat, debating whether he should really ask the question or not. “How is Kita-san doing?”

The second he heard a sigh from his younger brother, he knew that there must be no progress on his upperclassmen. If he remembered correctly, it was almost two years after they heard about the divorce, almost two years since the last time they heard about you.

You were suddenly gone. No information, no farewell, nothing. Your family even moved out from Hyogo too, leaving them to stray in the dark without someone that could assure them that at least you were alright.

It was as if you were never there from the start — for your emails, number, and social media was gone. Neither he and the others could find where you were, if you were even still in Japan or not, no one really knew.

Scary, how love could change people. You made his upperclassmen show so many emotions, making him more alive, not just like a robot they thought he was. Every time you were around, a smile could often be seen on the said man, making everyone wonder what kind of magic you had. 

Atsumu never knew how it felt to fall in love with someone, he never really took time searching for someone with how he still dedicated his life to volleyball. Though somehow, he could see him going insane if anything happened to Osamu.

And maybe that was just what Kita felt when you were gone without a trace. 

He couldn’t imagine it, the pain that must be seeped inside the heart of the man that he respected so much. To live in this world, without half of his soul there to accompany his days anymore — it must feel like hell.

“ **Kita-san, well…** ” His brother trailed off, trying to form the correct words. “ **He always went here after work, usually talking with me and making conversation with some patrons.** ” He hummed softly, notifying his twin that he was listening. “ **But sometimes, he just sat on the furthest table, ordering** **sake** **.** ”

“And?” Atsumu should not have asked this. It made him sad to know that someone who always looked so tough in front of everyone, seemed to crumble little by little for every day that passed.

“ **When I go to his table after closing the shop, I often see him crying.** ” The setter pursed his lips. _Yeah, why the fuck I am asking it now._ “ **He** **gets drunk here and there now. I caught him sobbing and calling out** **_her_ ** **name, sometimes muttering apologies.** ” A heavy sigh slipped from the younger twin. “ **Every. Single. Day.** ”

“That’s even worse than what I thought he would be.” Atsumu scratched his scalp in frustration. “W-Where is he now, though? Is he watching?”

“ **Yeah, he’s here."** The setter let out a sigh of relief. “ **Granny is here too, so I guess Kita-san didn’t really want to show it that he—** ”

“ **That I?** ”

Atsumu jolted when another voice could be heard from the other line, and he was sure that his twin brother was in his final countdown to his death at this point.

“ **Kita-san!"** He really wanted to snicker right now, remembering how his twin said that even in the future, he would always be afraid of Kita. And well, it really shows right now. “ **Nothing! Just saying to ‘Tsumu that you are not going to show him off. Yeah, yeah.** ”

Osamu was a man who could keep his facade straight when he lied. But whenever it came to Kita Shinsuke, the younger twin's ability to mask his feelings suddenly went away in an instant.

“ **Oh, Atsumu is on the other line?** ”

“ **Yeah, he is. Do you want to talk with him, Kita-san?** ”

The setter wanted to curse at his twin brother right now. He decided to keep silent though as he could hear the sound of a phone being passed on.

“ **Atsumu.** ” _Brrr._ Yeah, well, only this man could make him stand straight, heart beating so fast since he couldn’t predict the words that would slip next. “ **I know you would do good, so it’s not necessary for me to wish you good luck.** ”

“Alright, Kita-san.” He really wanted to ask right now if the ex-captain was just going to drop that and passed the phone back to his twin brother. But before he could say something else, the stoic man beat him to it.

“ **But I just want to say that you have proved it to me.** ” Atsumu swallowed a huge lump, wondering what’s the meaning of his words. “ **I** **am so proud of you. So proud of everyone in general.** ” He bit his lips as he could feel a lump in his throat. “ **Just do your best as usual.** ”

That was the last words he heard from the upperclassmen before a static noise was heard. He stood there in silence, everyone was either in the locker room or took a walk to ease their nervousness. He was there all alone, and he really thanked God for that.

“ **Really? You cried, ‘Tsumu?** ”

“Oh, shut yer trap!”

He sobbed, to know that he accomplished the promises that he made was so impactful for him right now. Kita was someone who everyone had immense respect for, someone who cared for all of them in his own way.

And to remember that someone like him lost his main happiness, he really felt that this world was unfair after all. 

“Hey, Samu?”

“ **Hm? What is it, crybaby?** ” He groaned, wanting to kick his twin’s face at this moment. But he let it slide now since his annoyance overlapped with worry.

“Where do you think (Y/n) is right now?”

His twin brother didn’t know the answer to his question. No one knew. Sometimes Atsumu even thought that you were not here in this world anymore. God, he really needed to stop reading those novels that popped in some website advertisement.

You were not just Kita Shinsuke’s lover. Ever since they knew you in high school, you have been such great mental support for everyone. When the captain was not around, you made sure the twins didn’t kill each other and kept Suna in his place since he always tried to provoke them.

Your presence was something that made him feel happy. Sometimes you came with some food or infused water, making sure they ate properly and were hydrated enough. Even when they graduated and got into their own path, you would occasionally message and call them, asking how they were doing.

And for it to be suddenly taken away from them, it was no wonder that sometimes they felt so — _lost._

“I wish I knew, ‘Tsumu.” The younger twin bit his lips, voice croaked a little. “I _really_ wish I knew.”

_“He missed you too.” Osamu jolted when he heard you speak up. “I am sure that dickhead misses you too.” He snorted, didn’t expect you to call the setter like that. But then again he should not have been so surprised. Your words have always been — colourful, to say the least._

_“Yeah? What makes you so sure?” He wiped his hand off after making you some onigiri, now focused on you since there were no other patrons that still needed him. “Just admit that you want to see me being sappy.”_

_“You have been sappy even before I said that.” You chuckled and took a big bite on his onigiri, moaning from the taste as the warm rice melted into your mouth. “Shit, your filling mixed with Shin’s rice is god-tier.”_

_You always said that. Even though it must be like a hundred times you ate the onigiri, your face always showed how blissful the taste was. And it still warmed his heart, no matter how many times he heard the same thing and saw the satisfied expressions displayed on your complexion._

_“Oh, everyone knew you’d say that because you are whipped.” Osamu chuckled when he received an annoyed glare from you, resting one of his hands on his hips. “I swear to God sometimes I wonder how Kita-san could handle being with you. Hell,_ **_living_ ** _with you.”_

_“Shut up, Samu. Yer just jealous because Shin loves me more~”_

_“You are just like ‘Tsumu, the same airhead just different gender.” The black-haired man loved to tease you. Well, you and the rest of the guys did banter and mock each other here and there once in a while. This was not new at all. “I swear you must be threatening the innocent man to get to you.”_

_“Boy, you are wrong if you think Shinsuke is inno—”_

_“What about me?”_

_“Shin!”_

_The ex-captain of Inarizaki Volleyball Boys Club suddenly popped out from the door, having this complacent smile attached to his face. He always looked so smug when he caught you talking about him, and the younger twin could only shake his head to see you run up towards your husband, clinging to him like a koala._

_You acted like a baby sometimes, though it was really adorable to see you making his upperclassmen turned into a tomato. Such an entertaining sight, such a great thing to observe too — the relationship between you and the stoic man._

_You clung to your lover as if you breathed better when the man was around, as if the existence of Kita Shinsuke was the only thing you needed to survive in this world. Yo_ _u_ _, you made the mundane life that Shinsuke had to be more colourful, more unpredictable._

_And even though you and the rice farmer had a sharp contrast in personality, it was like the two of you blended so well together since you knew each other’s weaknesses and gifts. Creating a new hue that got some people mesmerized by the beautiful colour that you created with him._

_“What?” You snapped Osamu back to reality, feeling the stare that fell upon you and your husband. “You scared me with_ **_that_ ** _soft look, Samu. What is it?”_

_“Don’t attack the poor boy, angel.”_

_“As if you never did the same, Shin. You are no saint.”_

_The two of you bickered, Shinsuke even snorted a little as he didn’t expect to get attacked like that in front of his junior. Osamu joined in, pointing out that Shinsuke made him scared more than you would ever be, making the shop filled with boisterous laughs from each of them._

_“But, nah. It’s nothing.” Osamu just shook his head, admiring the relationship of the two completely different people in front of him. “You guys are just perfect for each other.”_

Shinsuke put down the glass of sake with more force as he gave it to the black-haired man, making the younger twin jolted when some drops spilled to the table. His dark grey irises immediately darted to the man in front of him, someone that up until now still made him scared.

“What’s wrong, Osamu?”

The voice was soft but there was enough pressure on the intonation. Subtle, but since he knew the man for years he could see how the question was far more serious than meets the eye. 

“You seem to doze off a lot today.” The man continued, pouring himself a sake, didn’t even wait for his company to do that. “Your brother is in the court, but yet—” He tilted his head a little, eyebrows raised as he locked his gaze with the twin. “Something else occupied your mind.”

Osamu could not lie. He could try, but if he blurts some dishonest sentence to Shinsuke, that was suicide. His upperclassmen knew him entirely, knew him and all of his friends without even trying.

The man was observant, never meddled into someone else’s life, yet somehow it was like he knew what was bothering the mind of the Onigiri Miya’s owner — and he felt that he had the _right_ to know. 

“It’s nothing, Kita-san.” The younger twin grabbed the glass of sake, sipping it softly. “I am just a little more tired than usual today.” He chuckled, trying to shake it off. 

His answer earned a nod by the dual-coloured hair man, making him relieved since he thought the man would drop the curiosity. Silence engulfed them as they waited for the third set of the match. The others were bickering and refused to drink too much since they had work and some assignments to finish later on.

“I met someone last week.”

Shinsuke broke the silence, the awkward atmosphere gone, replaced by something foreign that somehow made the dark grey irises twinkled with hope. He didn’t pressure his upperclassmen though, he just waited since he had felt that another sentence would be out in seconds.

“She’s two years older than me.” But his shoulder slumped the moment he heard it, knowing too well that it must be someone else. “How she moves is graceful, really soft-spoken, and has manners.” Yeah, that woman was impossible to be _you_. “I think I took a liking to her.”

Osamu burst the sake that he just drank. Coughing as some of them already went down his throat. He really wanted to curse at Shinsuke for saying such a thing while he just sipped the sake. His upperclassmen didn’t seem to find what was wrong with his sentence though, just raising his eyebrows in confusion while giving the younger twin a pat on the shoulder.

“Slow down.”

Osamu cleared his throat, eyes watering a little since it hurt a little. He tried to calm himself down, though he didn’t know from what. It could be just from how his throat felt burnt. But the information that he received was a lot more impactful.

“You like _what?_ ”

“Who.” Shinsuke let out a long sigh and darted his gaze to the glass of sake. “I think I like her, she is perfect. I feel that granny would love her.”

The black-haired man swallowed a huge lump, mind still couldn’t grasp the sentence right. He didn’t want to believe it, how Shinsuke now opened up his heart for someone else. Osamu knew that he should have been happy, maybe now the woman would be the long-lasting lover for the upperclassmen.

Though he couldn’t shake the feeling that he felt right now. The statement was too much for him to handle since he never prepared himself for such information.

All of them have been trying to get to you, searching and asking people around in hope that someday they would meet you once again. That maybe you and Shinsuke could talk things out, that maybe the love that once cracked could be fixed. 

But now as he heard with his own ear that the rice farmer found someone else — it felt like then there was no point searching for your existence.

Because if even Kita Shinsuke gave up on you, then who were they to hope that everything would be like how it used to be?

“Good for you, Kita-san.” The younger twin felt suffocated as he grabbed the sake, gulping it down instead of sipping it. Yes, it burned, but right now his heart was already in flames with realisation that was worse than just the taste of the liquor.

You were _not_ going to be back. Even though you were — it wouldn’t be like before.

And he had to accept that.

He darted his gaze away from the man in front of him, ignoring the stare that he received from his upperclassmen. You were such a dear friend to him and the rest of the team. But you were really close to him and Suna, for they were your classmates in your second year.

Did he become selfish? For wanting to see a perfect relationship like before? Everyone knew how happy you were with Shinsuke, and everyone knew how much in love he was with you.

But then again, what mattered the most right now was to find you actually. And even though Shinsuke gave up, even though the others felt like it was no use anymore, he promised to himself that he wouldn’t stop until he knew how you were right now.

And maybe today, God finally heard his prayer.

His pupil widened when his gaze fell to the television. He could feel himself tremble a little as he put down the glass of sake on the table. Someone called out to him, knowing it was his upperclassmen, but right now, he really didn’t care.

Osamu may not be your lover, but he knew you long enough to remember your posture. He knew you long enough to know your smile and how your face contorted. He knew you long enough to remember your fashion style.

He knew you long enough to be sure that it was you, the woman on the screen.

Eyes glimmered with excitement as you sat there with your head rested on —

“What the fuck.”


	6. Found

His yellowish-grey irises had been going back and forth between the court to the woman who sat just three seats away from him.

_ Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit. _

He tried to calm down but his knee couldn't stop shaking as he contemplated what he should do.  _ Fuck, is that her? Nah, get your shit together, Rintarou. _ Biting his lips, he had his phone up in front of his face, acting like he was busy with something.

While actually, well, he had been eyeing the familiar woman who was now laughing with her company.

_ Wait, that smile, that laugh! Of course, it's her! But oh crap — no. Please, who's that bitch with a shit-eating grin? The audacity of that man touching her like that. _

Suna couldn't help but compare whoever it was beside her with his upperclassmen. Such a total contrast, totally not her type. It was not like he knew what kind of guy she likes though — knowing she fell in love with the silver-haired man since forever — but still.

From the  _ completely _ charming, well-mannered, and classy man like Kita Shinsuke, to someone with a rooster hair that laughed like a banshee? Maybe that man put a spell on her.  _ Yeah _ , that was the most logical explanation that he could think of.

He was sure it was her, his best friend who has vanished without a trace. It still pained him sometimes when he remembered how he didn't receive any text from her anymore, how it was like she abandoned him, like she didn't want him in her life anymore.

When she stopped sending him some morning greetings, he really thought that she was just busy with work, or maybe her phone was broken. But a week passed in slow motion and at the end, he had to hear from someone else what was actually going on.

He had to hear it from Atsumu — of all people. She was closer with him than with the setter, it was not fair that he had to wait for days to finally know what happened while the older twin knew in an instant. 

Then again, at least he knew. At least he knew that it was not his fault she suddenly stopped asking about his day. He’s still wanted by her, right? She would come around, he just needed to give her some space.

So he did, he didn't ask or do anything.

Though days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months, and months turned into years. Times went by as he always spent at least ten minutes to search up her name on the internet every single day in hopes that he would get some lead — but  _ nothing _ .

As everyone said, she was just gone from this world and he needed to stop. Some of his friends didn't even try anymore, but he couldn't just stop. Not when someone who he already cared for like his own sister might live alone in danger.

_ Gah, why should I care anyway? _

He let out a long sigh, still debating about what he should do. She didn't want to be found, she chose to leave everything and everyone behind.  _ Selfish woman. _ He bites his lips, knocking his phone to his forehead as he forced himself to focus on the match instead.

Yet he couldn't take his mind off of her since she was just around six feet apart from him. He just needed to ask, if she didn't want to talk to him again then it's alright. At least he already tried to reach out, to rekindle the friendship.

But then again as he thought about it, that was what he was afraid of from the start.  _ Rejection. _

With a heavy heart, he let it go. He chose to live with a question mark inside his head than to keep remembering a day his best friend turned her face from him. He didn't want a good day like this to be ruined by the fact she wanted nothing to do with him anymore.

At this moment — the unknown really felt like the best option.

_ “I don’t think I will take it.” _

_ The brunette groaned as he thought about his future once again, grabbing another chuupet to distract himself from his own mind. EJP Raijin had their eyes on him, sending him an email about how they would love to have him on their team after he graduated. _

_ But actually, he still didn’t know what he really wanted to do in his life. _

_ Yes, he loved volleyball. After all, it was the only activity that he really put his heart into. Yet he was afraid, afraid that maybe he would find something else, that in the end, he would regret pouring the majority of his life into the said sport. _

_ “Man, you are stupid if you didn’t take it.” Your voice filled the air around him, making the quiet atmosphere inside the empty classroom gone in an instant. “I don’t know why you seem so unsure. You  _ **_love_ ** _ volleyball, what’s there to ponder? Just take it like a man!” _

_ “I am a man.” He retorted with a little bit of annoyance dripping down his words. “You know damn well I am a man. I—” _

_ “I don’t know that, I never saw your dick.” _

_ “Did...” He was flabbergasted by your words, his mind couldn’t really catch the sentence that you just blurted. “Did you just...” _

_ You sat on the chair in front of him, invading his personal space just like usual, and cocked your eyebrow at him, acting innocent as if you didn’t just say something wild about seeing his dick. “I can’t believe you sometimes. Even now I still wonder why Kita-san—” _

_ “Don’t continue the sentence.”  _

_ He jolted when he heard your tone; low and heavy, coated with rage. Such a contrast to the teasing intonation that he heard just a few seconds ago. And he knew he needed to stop once you use that kind of voice. “Yes, shush. Just don’t tell Kita-san, okay, Tarou?” _

_ And there you go again, back to normal in a blink of an eye. _

_ “You know I don’t like that nickname.” _

_ “Yeah, well, bear with it.” _

_ You snatched the chuupet in his hand, biting on the sweet snack with a big chomp before giving it back to him. His eyes twitched a little, though he shouldn’t have been so surprised. You tend to steal a bite on either his or Osamu’s food — of course, without their permission for most of the time. _

_ But they didn’t mind that though, and he didn’t mind that you stole a bite of his favourite food. _

_ Since he knew you would let him do the same. _

_ “What do you want to do in the future?” He suddenly cut the silence, biting the chuupet that was already in half. “You acted like you already know what you are going to do.” _

_ “And what if I know?” You challenged him, trapping him with your gaze. “If I told you what I am going to do, would you finally tell me what’s yours?” _

_ That was a tricky question, he knew that. You might look like you were all fun and games, but he knew when it came to the future or some important life decision, you wouldn’t play around, immediately turning into a mature woman that he believed was one of the reasons why Kita Shinsuke fell for you. _

_ “Alright, deal.” But he agreed anyway, actually curious about what plan you had in mind. You were smart, not in an academic way but witty, diligent, and would put one hundred percent of yourself into things that you love. Your dream must be— _

_ “I am gonna marry Kita-san.” _

_ “No shit, man.” _

_ “I am gonna marry Kita-san! Why is that so hard for you to process?” You raised your voice a little, jutting your lips as you pouted. “You know, marriage? When two people bind in one holy vow under the bright blue skies, saying ‘I do’ and they kiss—” _

_ “I know what marriage is, I am not that dumb.” He scoffed, rolling his eyes as he couldn’t believe that you actually plan something like that. “I am serious here, you must have another dream that you wanted to achieve.” _

_ He didn’t hear any other sentence from you though. _

_ You looked down at your feet, staring at the black shoes that you wore. The two of you were waiting for the twins and Ginjima to walk home together like usual. Today though, the twins made a ruckus once again, leaving you and Suna to wait in the classroom since Ginjima had a duty to make sure they didn’t fight again.  _

_ He didn’t have any thought that the conversation would turn like this. _

_ “I will do anything, Rin.” You said softly, eyes never leave the ground. “No matter what will happen in the future, I will do anything to make sure that my relationship with Shin lasts.” _

_ Determination, love, joy — all of them were visible from your intonation and how you looked from where he sat right now. _

_ “Yeah?” He rested his chin on the desk, yellowish-grey irises fell on your face. “No doubt about that, knowing how much you love him.” _

_ You chuckled, feeling at ease hearing that your best friend believed in your dream. At this moment, the whispers that pierced your ear every now and then didn’t matter anymore. One voice from your friend was enough to make you forget about all of those hurtful opinions. _

_ “Yeah, Rin.” You let out a sigh of relief. “No doubt.” _

_ But maybe you shouldn’t have been so naive from the start. _

She walked past him while having her arms around the rooster head man’s torso. Suna just sat there, eyes following her figure subtly — well, as subtle as he could. But with how she didn’t even turn her head, maybe it was really his best friend after all since he knew that she was the most oblivious woman he ever knew.

That, or maybe she was just  _ really  _ in love with the man beside her.

He shuddered at the possibility, cursing under his breath because he didn’t want to believe that scenario. At least not when he didn’t know a thing and decided to be a coward.

She looked happy though, that was what he could see from minutes he had been observing her. A warm smile never left her face, and sometimes she even snuggled closer and talked things with her company with the same giddy, stupid smile which never changed over time.

His daydream crashed with a vibration on his hand, too surprised that he even dropped his precious phone to the ground — and he swore he almost screamed when it happened. He prayed when he picked it up, relieved when he didn’t see any crack on the screen.

Suna cursed under his breath as he unlocked his phone, wondering who sent him a message just now. He cocked his eyebrow in confusion when he saw his friend’s name popped on the notification, Osamu.

**_‘Suna, it’s her.’_ **

He let out a long sigh, typing back two words about how he acknowledged your presence already. You were standing not too far from him, still there in his peripheral vision. He didn’t know what was the point of the message, he was not that stupid not to notice that it was her.

**_‘For the love of God, you better come up to her!’_ **

But the next message that he received was enough to make him produce a cold sweat.

No, he wouldn’t do that. She was the one who didn’t want to be found, it was her choice.  _ Though, you wanted to know too, right?  _ He cursed under his breath, one hand balled into a fist as he was still debating to either respect her decision or follow what his friend told him to.

The unknown was good, he didn’t cry like a bitch when she left, she was just a little piece of his life after all. He didn’t need to know why she cut off everything with him too while he did nothing, it didn’t affect him anyway.

_ Big lie. _

The next second, he decided to stand up and walked towards her figure, pocketing his phone as he followed what his heart wanted rather than forgetting the encounter like what his mind told him to.

But then he stopped midway as he was just five feet away from her. His breath hitched, feeling like someone just knocked the air out of his lungs.

This, this was the reason why he shouldn’t have stood and tried to reach  _ you _ .

You saw him, he was sure of it. Your pupils widened slightly as it met with his gaze when you looked back for a second, surprised to see him there. Though you immediately had your head face the man beside you instead, acting as nothing happened.

You didn’t stop to greet him or ask how he was doing, You tore your gaze away from him and kept going forward. 

You kept walking away from your  _ best friend _ , him, Suna Rintarou.

And the pain that he felt right now — 

Was way worse than what he felt when you left without a trace.


	7. Run Away

You wanted to forget about everything; your past life in Hyogo, an old flame who was your first love, memories that you shared with your best friends, the dreams that you had before, you wanted to leave it all behind.

Your parents even moved out too, a selfish request that you asked them to do because you knew how stubborn your friends back in town could be. They would try to reach out to your parents, cousins, anyone that might know where you were right now.

But deep down, you realised it already. That how far you tried to run away from your past, how many times you tried to erase your traces on the internet, everything would follow suit if you stayed in this world — volleyball.

You didn’t remember anymore what made you laugh just now. The warmth that you felt around your waist felt so sickening that you decided to just numb your feelings. Your gaze fixated on the man with the black-haired man that you could call as your lover now, at least for the past months.

Yet each syllable that came out from his lips couldn’t be processed in your mind, as you couldn’t shake the pain which occurred the second you laid your eyes on the greyish-yellow orbs that belonged to your best friend.

_ Best friend _ . Such a friend you were for not acknowledging him at all.

You swallowed a huge lump, wanting to turn your face back towards the brunette. When you saw him, one thing that you wanted to do was just to run and tackle him to the ground, since your heart longed for such familiarity from your past life — even though you promised yourself not to.

“You are daydreaming.” But then with a flick on your forehead, you focused back on your lover. “Something bothering you?”

“No, no.” You answered softly under your breath, hand clenching into a fist as you stop yourself from turning around. “I just thought that I saw an old friend, that’s all.”

Kuroo was not satisfied with your answer, but he decided to nod and just brushed it off. It was nothing new for him to see you like this, gaze darted to the grown as something predominated your mind once again. 

But he was alright with that though, he didn’t feel the need to ask more, just to know he was the one who you laid next to at night was enough for him.

Your body tensed up as he wrapped his arm around your waist, trying to pull you closer to him. He didn’t have any thought to loosen his embrace even for just a little, feeling certain that within seconds you would be comfortable once again. 

Oh, how wrong he was.

As he led you through the crowd, you could feel someone throwing a dagger at the back of your head and it didn’t help with how your boyfriend made you feel so suffocated as he kept pulling you closer and closer.

Your eyes were frantic as you saw how hectic the hallway was. There were lots of people with the same ID card as yours hanging around their neck, shouting and demanding the others to keep up with the time. 

You didn’t understand where you were right now though, it was not the same hallway that you went through before the match and you could only cling to your boyfriend regardless of how he made you feel right now. Your eyes flickered to his face, finding a playful smirk plastered there as he guided you to God knows where.

“You know, working on JVA has its perks.” He whispered all of a sudden, making you completely focused on him. “And I want to show off a little of what I am capable of doing.”

“Huh? What do you—”

“Kuroo-san!”

You jolted when you heard a cheery voice that came from one of the rooms. Fluffy, bright orange hair filled your vision as it grew closer and closer, stopping right in front of you. “And hello, miss! You must be Kuroo-san’s girlfriend!” He was like sunshine, smiling brightly as he took a proper look at you. “You are so pretty! Have I met you before? I think I have seen your face before.”

“Wait, wait, I am not pretty.” You bite the inner of your cheek as your boyfriend could only chuckle at how embarrassed you look right now. “But, thank you. I appreciate that a lot, and I think you mistook me for someone else, Hinata-san. Since I don’t even have any public social media.”

“Gah, I am sorry then, uhm, miss…?”

“(L/n). My name is (L/n), Hinata-san.”

He had this pure smile on his face as he reached his hand toward you, asking for a handshake. You were a little bit intimidated at first with how forward and bold he was, though you didn’t mind that at all now, feeling that it was nothing that you never encountered anyway.

“Nice to meet you, you played so well today.” You wiped your palm on the coat that you wore before taking his hand for a handshake, now smiling giddily as you just realised that you held hands with one of the members of the Japan National Team. “It looks so awesome as you hit all of those nasty sets.”

“It was nothing!” His orbs glimmered, excitement lingered inside his brown orbs. “My setter and I go way back since high school, so it was nothing new to us actually.” He chuckled as he averted his gaze, smiling sheepishly. 

“Whoa, you must really trust him so much, huh?”

“Eh? No, not really (L/n).” His voice dropped a little as he pondered, gazing at you as he tried to find the proper word that could explain his situation. “It’s just that every time I jump, I just knew that the ball was coming for me, that’s all.”

“Oh,” You swallowed a huge lump, your throat suddenly felt so dry as you remembered someone else saying the exact same thing. “That must be great!” Clearing your throat, you tried not to fall into the same memories that often played in your head. “But you are really a professional, you could hit all tosses from ‘Tsumu too!”

“Whoa, you knew Atsumu-san?”

You were so stupid,  _ really _ .

“N-No, I mean Miya Atsumu. Sorry.” And you were back to square one, somehow could never get the blonde setter or any of your friends from back then out of your mind. “There was this one I thought he was going to set for Hoshiumi, but he gave it to you instead! That one was crazy, you should see how the crowd went all shit!”

So why not just embrace it for now?

“You gush so much about him~” But then you flinched a little when you realised that your boyfriend was there beside you, never once leaving, eyeing your interaction with the opposite hitter. “Sometimes I think that you love him more than me every time you ask about Miya Atsumu.”

You jutted your lips, pulling yourself away completely from the black-haired man and put one hand on your hips. Your eyes gazed at him with disbelief as you felt a little bit  _ offended  _ by his words.

“Me? Falling in love with Miya Atsumu? Never in a million years.” You said with a playful tone, wanting to gag since you saw him as a dear family instead of a man that could make your heart race. “Yes, he is good looking, always performs one hundred percent when he’s on the court, tossing an easy set to his team’s spiker—”

“Your eyes sparkle, (L/n)-san!” Hinata suddenly blurted out, chuckling a little as you turned to face him with a dumbfounded look plastered on your face. “You sound like Atsumu-san fangirls!”  _Oh, hell Nah!_ “Everyone was still in the locker room! Do you want me to call him?”

“No!”

In an instinct, you grabbed his wrist so tight as he tried to go back to the room he was in before. You were panicking inside, wanting to just get away from this place now as you realised that you were so close to being found. Your old best friend already saw you, another soul wouldn’t help your cause.

Brown orbs widened as he didn’t know why you suddenly put a grip on him, both the wing spiker and your boyfriend looked at you with worry and confusion lingered in their eyes.

“(L/n)-san, I am sorry, I wouldn’t if you are shy—”

“It’s not that.” You croaked out, feeling like your lungs were filled with thorns with how hard you breathe right now. When you took a look at his face, that was when you realised your bold movement. You immediately pulled your hand away from him, bowing your head a little. “I am sorry too, I didn’t mean to do that, I just, I need—”

A familiar warmth rested on your shoulder as you started to ramble, making you jolt and stop talking. “Calm down, no one forces you to meet anyone.”

You didn’t like it in  _ one  _ bit, the intonation that your boyfriend used on you. It was as if he was embarrassed to have such an unprofessional lover —  _ making a tantrum and rambling nonstop _ — his eyes flickering to the volleyball player with an apologetic look.

This was the first time you ever went into his circle of work. He always boasted about how everyone would adore you at the point his colleagues wanted to meet the woman who he chose to be his lover (at least that was what he said). But the way he acted just now, hands subconsciously gripping hard on your shoulder,

You started to question if it was the same man you slept next to for the last couple of months.

“I need a breather.” You swatted his hand off your shoulder, pulling yourself away from him as you built up your wall once again. The giddy smile that was shown before, now replaced with a thin line as your eyes darkened.

You turned your heel towards another direction, didn’t bother to wait for their answer, and walked away, following the sign that would lead you to exit. Your hand subconsciously balled into a fist, muttering your  _ countdown  _ to calm yourself.

One day, you really wished you wouldn’t have to do this anymore — hanging on memories to make you feel secured. You hoped that someday you would wake up feeling fresh, without any burden to endure, without any wishful thinking and pondering thought about what could have been.

You have found your getaway, someone that could make you forget about your life in the past. He was charismatic, playful, and really understood you. Kuroo was a lover that everyone wanted, and you thought you should be grateful that he chose you, accompanying you every time he was free.

There was no regret, even though you saw another side of him today that made you feel  _ scared,  _ at least he gave you freedom in the relationship.

And with how your life worked right now, you really didn’t have the privilege to ask for more.

You took a deep breath once fresh air touched your skin. It was a lot quieter now, the venue outside — since some people already went home and you were on the VIP exit. If you wanted, you could even count everyone within ten meters from you with your hands, that was just how quiet it was.

A puff of air was visible in your peripheral vision as the smell of tobacco filled your nostril within seconds. You didn’t know what possessed your mind, but you immediately walked up towards the stranger with a cigarette in his hand.

“Excuse me, sir?” Your voice was delicate as you tried to get his attention. Dark brown hair that was a little unruly, a smirk tugged on his lips after he took a proper look at you —  _ ah, typical man. _ “Would you share one with me?”

“Hm?” His eyes roamed on your figure, holding his cigarette in between his fingers. “Sure, grab it by yourself, sugar.”

You grimaced for a second, though immediately composed yourself as you gave him the most alluring smile that you could muster. Your gaze fell on the box of cigars in his breast pocket, snatching one stick, and slipped it on your lips while you locked your gaze with the anonymous man.

The man was so easy, proofed by how his adam’s apple bobbed when you fluttered your lashes, beady eyes penetrating his as you waited for him to light it up. The smirk on his face never faltered as he leaned in closer and struck his match, amused at how feisty you were.

He was just like any other man that you have met, easily swayed by seduction.

“My, what would Kita-san say if he was here?”

But the voice that you heard just now, was one of the people who you knew too well was not like some other man.


	8. Perfect

**_Slam!_ **

Shinsuke didn't grimace as he slammed the door shut, not caring if the neighbours complained about the sound. It was not like there was someone inside the house anyway, he never cared for the manners at a time like this; 

When his mind predominated with the thought of someone, getting stronger as alcohol started to consume him once again.

He was the one who would usually scold you when the door was shut a little too loud, afraid that the door would need to be replaced sooner than it was supposed to. You always whine, saying sorry and patting the wooden door, eliciting a small chuckle from him due to how cute you look.

But some other time, he could see a little annoyance on your gaze, followed by a pout which told him you were opposed and felt that he was restricting you.

Funny how he never bothered to ask you what was wrong.

His lips pursed into a frown as he walked mindlessly towards the living room, dropping his bag to the couch before he let himself fall to the same cushion, fingers massaging his scalp as the headache started to throb, drilling into his brain.

_ I drank too much today.  _ He groaned, shaking his head before forcing himself to stand up, feet dragging towards the kitchen as he stood in front of the see-through cabinet. There were two or three bottles of aspirin, lining neatly as he stocks the medicine for himself. He opened one of it, gulping it down his throat without water.

This was nothing new for him, consuming too much liquor right after work, wanting to let his mind clouded with anything, anything but you — and came back to his house, popping some aspirin and plop himself to bed.

One thing that ever since he let you slip between his fingers, it became a routine that he could never escape from.

He was rarely drunk before. Hell, he had never gotten drunk for twenty-five years of his life. Even when everyone was gathering together, drinking all their problems away and laughing with each other, he wouldn’t gulp down the liquid even though it was just one drop.

Shinsuke never liked the fact that the liquid could make him unhealthy, hating the fact that he could be a blubbering mess whenever he got drunk (learning from the prom afterparty in his high school year). But the main reason was actually so simple before,

Because once upon a time, he had someone that he should take care of every night.

_ “Hehehe, there are two Shin~!” You giggled, hiccuping here and there as the alcohol running freely in your blood. “I have two Shin! All for me, all for me.” _

_ He wouldn’t disagree every time someone mentioned how adorable you looked when you were drunk (not just when you were drunk though, he would answer in his mind). He didn’t like it, of course, you drinking and challenging either Osamu or Atsumu for flip cup games or something — that made you end up throwing up outside of the Onigiri Miya by midnight. _

_ Well, that one was not adorable at all. But the way you leaned in and circling your hand around his arm, completely surrendering yourself, was indeed something that amused him. “Mine, my baby, my love.” You slurred, nuzzling your face on his shoulder as he guided you inside the home that you two shared. _

_ “Yes, I am yours, your baby, your love.” He said a matter of factly to entertain you, and the way a squeal slipped from your lips was enough to make him sure you were happy with his answer. “Come on, let’s clean you up before going to bed.” _

_ “But it’s cold.” You whined, pouting a little since you could imagine the water made contact with your skin. _

_ “(Y/n), we have hot water.” _

_ “Oh, I forgot.” _

_ He shook his head in amusement, dragging you to the bathroom and sat you down on the wooden stool inside the shower box. His fingers unbuttoned your shirt, so gently as not to make too much movement, afraid that a little sway could bring you down. _

_ Somehow, he enjoyed this, spoiling you even though you looked so barbaric at the moment. With hair sticking out everywhere, clothes wet with sweat, and breath smelling even worse than garlic, he enjoyed every little thing he did as his hand moved delicately. _

_ Maybe, maybe it was because of the way you looked at him in a moment like this. _

_ You looked down to where he sat on the cold tile floor, half-lidded eyes filled with love even though your mind was currently hazy with all of the alcohol still dancing freely in your blood. Your hand sometimes making a home on his shoulder, holding on to him as he takes off your clothes — layer by layer. _

_ It was the fact that your subconscious mind knew you were taken care of (by someone that you could trust even when you couldn’t think properly), that made him feel so addicted, so loved. _

_ This was a rare time — to just enjoy his little pamper and let the silence engulf both of you. You were naked, bare skin made contact with the air. If you were sober right now, you would have shivered and felt all the freezing air penetrating your skin, whining and begging him to just skip the shower and cuddle on the bed. _

_ But right now, you didn’t feel uncomfortable at all. His eyes roam on your figure, fleeting from up and down. It was not the gaze that was usually found on most men when a naked woman was in front of them, not a hungry look wanting to devour you, not one that sometimes appeared when he was in need. This, this was just one look of appreciation. _

_ His warm chocolate orbs told you everything with a long, fixed stare that fell gracefully on your frame. It told you how beautiful you were in his eyes, how fragile you look that he wanted nothing but to protect you, how much he wanted to just touch you all over your skin, to feel, to kiss, to love — to worship you, completely. _

_ “What with the stare, Shin?” Your voice was barely a whisper, but with how quiet this night was, with how he only focused on you, he could hear you clearly. _

_ “It’s nothing, my angel.” He whispered out, peeling off his clothes one by one as he never took his gaze away from you. A gentle smile plastered on his face as he threw his last clothing to the basket perfectly. _

_ “Mhmhm, such a show off~” You teased him, latching yourself on his body as he pulled you under the showerhead with him that hit you with warm waters. _

_ His eyes scanning your expression, fingers skimming your skin to make sure that you didn’t feel too cold. You didn’t shudder or show any indication that you felt uncomfortable, eyes closed as your face mirrored his expression that filled with smiles.  _

_ He gently rested his forehead on yours, sharing his body heat with you. Both of your bodies went still, forehead touched each other and let the water dampen your hair. _

_ This was one of the silent moments that he loved. With you in his arms, and him right there with you, securing you from either the cold or the harsh world that the universe offered. His lips went to your jaw, slowly going down to your neck and shoulder, ghosting on your skin as he whispered out compliments without filter, letting out everything that he had in mind about you. _

_ Shinsuke promised to himself that he would always love you, making sure you never stray to the dark path in life, holding your hand as both of you embark together on this journey that you chose with him. He would protect you with all his might, never letting you go. _

_ But of course, he never thought that it was him that you needed to be protected from. _

He slammed a glass of water down to the wooden surface of the dining table, sliding one chair out before plopping himself. The deafening silence made him crazy, not the comfortable one that he could find wherever you were around.

This was the after effect that he despised the most — to be completely awake, head’s pounding with pain as you crawled back to haunt him. He preferred it more if he was knocked out completely, sleeping for hours until the sun was up, forcing him to wake up.

But if he was like this, he could only dwell by himself, alone without company, without you to smile at him across to where he sat right now. He didn’t know anymore if it was him or the alcohol, 

You were sitting there in front of him, rambling about your days,  _ complaining  _ about your best friends who would love to tease you endlessly. You looked so effortlessly beautiful, even without make-up on and hair tangled all over the place. It was like everything was the same, that he would come back home with you waiting for him.

You didn't age at all, you didn't change. Just like how he saw you a few hours ago on the television, you looked so fresh, smiling at him and rambled about the match before. You looked so — happy (he ignored the fact that he was not the one who made you happy anymore)

Maybe this was the reason why he loved alcohol, why he gulped it down like mineral water. It could make him feel things, things that he used to have, things that he could no longer feel again.

Yet the downside of it was that it wouldn’t last forever. It vanished, your chirpy voice was gone along with the warmth that he felt a second before, replaced with nothing but emptiness.

He remembered everything at the back of his head, storing all memories that he always reached out, no matter how many times he told himself not to. Not again.

Most of the time, the food on your plate would go cold due to how you could forget about what you were doing when you talked about some matter. And when you were like that, he never once stopped you from doing so.

He would listen, entranced by your words that made him forget he was having dinner at the moment. Everything was always the same, he made sure that you knew he always had his attention solely on you.

So he couldn’t remember when it started, the downfall of it all. When did the upturn of your lips suddenly shape into a thin line? Why did the laugh that accompanied the simple meal become a tense silence? 

How could he just let it be, he realised what happened along the way, but how could he just sit there without saying anything? Just watching you slowly slipping away from him?

Kita Shinsuke never felt scared, but maybe except for the fact that he could lose you.

You were always smiling when he got home, sometimes even running towards him, begging for some warmth that he would give to you willingly. But somewhere along the way, you stopped doing so. You just mutter a welcome home, with dinner ready on the table, without even lifting your head.

Dinner time that used to be filled with endless chatter turned to be just a dinner with two people living under the same roof without anything to say.

The two of you ate together regularly, it was a routine since he started to date you back in high school. From just having lunch at school in the small garden, to having a nice breakfast and dinner at the home he shared with you, preparing lunch boxes for each other every morning — to nothing at all.

Every day that he spent with you used to be so perfect _. _ Yes, perfection was a lie, he knew that. It was just some kind of illusion that people made, something that everyone was seeking in this world that was already bad enough.

But whenever you were around, he felt that everything would be alright, that as long as he had you, he wouldn’t need anything else since you were the only thing he needed to make him feel complete. He found perfection — in you.

So when he watched how you were slipping away from his fingers, he kept beating himself for not doing anything to stop it, for not fixing things that could be fixed if only he tried.

But instead of asking, instead of pulling you to his embrace — he gave you space that you never need.

“I am sorry.” He hiccuped into the empty space, hoping someone would hear, hoping that it would reach you. “I am sorry that I let you go.”

He gave you space that made the red strings of the bond between you turning loose, stretched out a little too far, more that it could hold, became thinner, frayed, and eventually — it snapped. 

“I should have done  _ more. _ ”

And you knew what they said when a relationship was once broken?

Even when it rekindled, it would never be  _ perfect —  _ like it used to before.


	9. Tolerate

You brought your nails to your lips, biting them softly as your heart hammered, never thought you would still be unprepared the second your past started to make a comeback in your life.

The entire ride was filled with silence, no one bothered to speak up after the whole fiasco with your  _ once  _ best friend. You didn’t expect to meet him, you already refused Hinata’s offer to bring you to the said man.

So why was he standing there? Why did he laugh with disappointment all over his face when his gaze fell upon your face? 

His voice was still the same. A little bit high pitched compared to his twin, intonation dancing up and down for every few words he said, nothing changed, just like how he always talked to you before. But what differentiates it was the expression, the disgust lingered on his voice, and how his eyes bore at you like a dagger.

Something that immediately toned down when someone else came into the view.

_ “My, what would Kita-san say if he was here?” _

_ You jolted when a familiar voice rang through the air. No, no it couldn’t be him. From all of your friends, why must it be him? Clearing your throat, you turned your fear into annoyance within an instant, rolling your eyes before turning your head to face him, Miya Atsumu. _

_ “He wouldn’t say anything. So shut the fuck up.” You hissed, trying to act cool by taking a drag of the cigarette and releasing the smoke out, one that made you almost choke since it had been months since you were cleaned from it. You held it down, of course, your arms were akimbo as you tried to challenge him with your gaze. _

_ At this moment, you didn’t know why you decided to give him some attention. You should have run away like when you met eyes with Suna, leaving the place and walked back to your boyfriend, forgetting the encounter like it never happened. _

_ Maybe it was the way he tried to insult you, maybe it was the way  _ **_someone’s_ ** _ name rolled down from his tongue to taunt you, you didn’t really know. But somehow you needed it, confronting the man who knew nothing about the pain and the decision that you must take in the hope your love would dissipate. _

_ But then again, with how just a mention of his name could make you break your own rules — you couldn’t run away from the fact that Kita Shinsuke still holds power over your heart. _

_ “He would be so  _ **_disappointed_ ** _ in you.” Atsumu slurred, didn’t even realise that he used the word that you despised the most. _

_ Back then, he would joke around with the word. But with the intonation he used, it didn’t hurt. You knew he was just teasing you, especially after you snitched to Shinsuke about all of the wrongdoings that he did — saying how he felt so betrayed, how he thought you were on his side and ended up disappointed because you never will. _

_ Though the way he said it right now, it was clear for you that he meant it.  _

_ “What did you say?” You didn’t realise that your feet brought you closer towards him, one hand balled into a fist. He stood in the same place with a smug look on his face, didn’t feel intimidated at all. “I dare you to say that again in my face, Miya Atsumu—” _

_ “He would be so disappointed in you.” But he repeated that. “Nah, he  _ **_is_ ** _ disappointed in you.” Without mercy, he tried to wreck you apart even more. “Just like how we are all disappointed in you.” Again, and again, reopening the wound that never healed completely. _

_ You could feel how your vision started to blur, hot tears forcing their way out as the words sink in. He didn’t look sorry at all as he looked at you with a sadistic glare. It was like he wanted you to feel more guilt as if he wanted to shove the pain that he felt towards you, pouring all of his worry that meant nothing the second he saw you here, looking as healthy — as slutty as ever in his eyes. _

_ “We are worried over you for nothing.” _

_ “Shut up, ‘Tsumu.” _

_ “Thought you would need company, afraid that you felt lonely. But what did I see here?” _

_ “You didn’t know anything—” _

_ “Yeah? Explain why did you eye-fucking that man over there?!” He raised his voice, pointing his forefinger towards the stranger you met before without shame. “If you could slut around then you were fine!” _

_ “Shut the fuck up!” _

**_Csshhh!_ **

_ It was played in slow motion when you pushed the cigarette in his direction. It burned, making the fabric of his shirt turn a lot of shades darker until it became black. He let out a hiss as the hot ashes made contact with his skin, backing away from you with a look that you couldn’t comprehend. _

_ “Shit!” _

_ You felt that someone just punched you in the gut with how hard you breathe right now. The way he gritted his teeth, hands frantically brushing away all the remnants of the cigarette ashes from his chest. “Fuck, y-you didn’t, I— What’s wrong with you?!” _

_ The tough facade that he had earlier slowly wither. You could see the glossy brown orbs that were softening. But it didn’t have the gentle gaze that it usually held, not the one that he had from back then. Now there was just fear and disbelief as he tried to process what just happened. _

_ “I-I didn’t mean to, I swear I didn’t mean to hurt you.” You were panicked, taking one step forward without any malicious intention. But he took a few steps backward, halting you from approaching him. “Please, ‘Tsumu—” _

_ “Miya.” He swallowed a huge lump, adam’s apple bobbed as he bit his lips, one hand clenching at the shirt side of his left chest. “I don’t- You are not-” His eyes pierced on your face, shaking his head as he couldn’t believe that you changed so much. “I don’t know you anymore.” _

_ You wanted to scream, if he was not provoking you, he wouldn’t get hurt by now. If only he knew when to shut his mouth, he would be alright. But in the end, it was all your choice. You were the one who decided to push the end of the cigarette on him, pressing it deep on his left chest, burning the fabric and the skin underneath. _

_ Even now, you couldn’t recognize yourself. _

_ “Ah, Miya-san.” The familiar black hair appeared in your peripheral vision. “You looked pale, want me to get the medic?” Your boyfriend gave all of his attention to the man in front of you before slinging his arm around your waist, gripping hard on your hip as if telling you not to run again. “Did my girlfriend bother you? I am sorry for the inconvenience if that’s the case.” _

_ “Girlfriend?” It was like someone just snapped their fingers in front of his face as he choked out the question, melancholy striking inside his orbs when he looked at the way you were now in someone else’s arm. “She’s your girlfriend, K-Kuroo-san?” _

_ Your boyfriend raised one of his eyebrows in confusion at the low voice that Atsumu had. There must be something, something that made the usually cheery and playful setter become so silent. His cat-like eyes scrutinized the whole figure, pupils dilated when he saw the little hole on Atsumu’s shirt. _

_ It was like he knew what happened in an instant. His orbs darkened a little as he connected the dots between the similar expressions that his lover and the volleyball player had on their faces. Then his eyes faltered to the ground, finding a stomped cigarette near your shoes, _

_ And you yelped when you felt the grip on your hips tightening. _

_ “We are going home now,” Kuroo whispered in your ear, so low that it sent shivers down your spine. “Good day, Miya-san. Pleasant to meet you as always.” But his voice turned back to normal when he talked to the volleyball player. “And yes, she is my girlfriend, apparently.” _

_ You were dragged away from the scene, and the way your boyfriend held on to you making it sure that there would be bruises on your hips the next day. Your feet stumbled as Kuroo led you to the parking area, yet no matter how hurtful his grip was, the puncture that you felt at the back of your head was a lot more painful. _

“What was that before?”

You finally looked up, hiding your nails under your sleeve. The edges already looked jagged from how you bit into it for the whole ride. You were confused at first, wondering where you were right now with how dark concrete filled your vision. 

_ Ah, his apartment. _ Your boyfriend loved to park in the basement rather than the VIP park near the main lobby.

“I’ll ask again, what was that before with Miya Atsumu?”

Letting out a long sigh, you didn’t know what kind of answer that he sought. Your eyes fell to your hands that clasped on your lap, averting his gaze that laid on your figure. Clearing your throat, you wanted to just forget about it and move on from the nightmarish encounter.

“It was nothing, don’t be jealous~” So you decided to just laugh it off before you finally dared to meet his eyes.

“I don’t care if you flirt with him. But what was that with you smoking?” Though, the way his orbs darkened was very much frightening you. “And don’t tell me you were the one who burned his shirt.”

“I _ — _ ” Cold sweat started to form on your skin. He knew, your boyfriend already knew that you were the culprit. So why bother lying to him, right? “Y-Yes, I accidentally did that.”

“Miya Atsumu!” He said the name of the setter with an exasperated sigh. “He is one of the main setters for the national team! You couldn’t just burn him with a cigarette even though he was annoying you or something.”

You scoffed, ever since the encounter with Hinata Shouyou, your boyfriend had been acting weird. He was always so laid back, talking so freely with you, it was easy talking with him as if you were best friends for years. But today, after months of being together, you never thought there was a side of him that you hadn’t covered.

“It was not like I tried to hurt him in the first place.” You muttered under your breath, leaning yourself back to the car seat after being so tensed. “He just said things that hurt me and I _ — _ ”

“No excuses.”

He cut you off.

Kuroo Tetsurou, your loving, and understanding boyfriend — just cut you off.

“I beg yer pardon?” The accent from your hometown was visible as you straighten your posture once again. “He insulted me, he said things that  _ hurt  _ me, Tetsurou.”

“Hm, so if one day I  _ said _ things that hurt you, you would do the same? Burn me with a cigarette?”

You looked at him with disbelief written on your face. “You could have just left or said something witty instead of hurting a volleyball player  _ physically _ .” 

“I told you it was an accident!” You lashed out, didn’t like the fact that somehow he ignored how you didn’t mean to do what you had done. “Like hell, I would hurt someone, you know me!”

“No, in fact, I don’t know you!” Kuroo raised his voice a little. He was the second person that raised their voice on you today. And honestly, you wanted to just get out from here. “The girl that I met at the bar around two years ago couldn’t even hurt a fly. The girl that I chose to be my girlfriend would never misbehave, humiliating me in front of  _ people  _ in my work field!”

“Humiliating you?!” At this point, he was being ridiculous. “It was just Atsumu, and again, it was an  _ accident.  _ You hear me, Tetsu? A-C-C-I-D-E-N-T.” You heave a sigh, shaking your head and crossing your arms in front of your chest.

You were met with silence after that. Neither of you talks anymore as the only thing that could be heard was the whirring sound of the air conditioner.

“I worked so hard to get to where I am right now.” His grip on the steering wheel loosened. “I wouldn’t let someone libel me by acting so rough to any of the volleyball associations, including the players. So,” You just listened, knowing well that he hadn't finished. “I can’t allow you to attend any volleyball tournaments again, until you can control yourself.”

“What?”

Your jerked your head to face him once again, eyebrows twitch at his ridiculous new rules. “You restrict me from going? Holy crap, Tetsu.” You chuckled bitterly, meeting his eyes as you wondered who was the man in front of you. “Who are you to give me that rule? Just because you are in the Japanese Volleyball Association, doesn’t mean you can rule me out.”

“In fact, I can.” He answered with a calm tone, such a contrast to how you sounded just now. “I can blacklist you from the VIP section. I will do it now, they won't even ask why and do their work.” Pulling his phone out from his breast pocket, you couldn’t believe that he did it for real, not just an empty taunt like usual.

“Fuck you.” You seethed on your seat, voice dropped a few octaves as he just hummed at you, continuing his intention to block your name from the upcoming volleyball tournaments. “You acted all-mighty once at work, you didn’t even listen to me and care about my feelings. Why did you even bring me with you today, huh?”

“That was my fault.” He locked his phone, slipping it back inside his pocket before facing you with his usual facade. “I thought you could behave, being exactly a girlfriend that I boast around to everyone.”

You were flabbergasted by now, one of your hands lingered to the button key that stopped you from getting out of there.

“So I am just a trophy?” Your voice strained when you blurted out the question, time seemed to stop as you waited for his answer, wanting to hear him denying the statement. “T-Tetsu?”

“You were perfect, you know.” He sighed and carded his hair, making the usual styled hair become a little messy. “You were kind, so easy to be liked, even when I told everyone I finally have a girlfriend, they were all ecstatic and sure you were perfect.” This was not the answer you wanted to hear,

“I asked you if I am just a trophy or—”

“You are not.” And you could feel you let out a breath that you subconsciously hold. “Not just a trophy, _ at least _ .” But as fast as the second statement came out, he stole those breaths away from you all over again.

You were not  _ just  _ a trophy for him to boast, but there were parts of you that he saw as a boost to his name. Was it normal? You never felt like this before, was Shinsuke the same? Did the reason why he chose you back then was because you were someone good enough to lift his name?

“I-I need a breather.”

You were trembling, finger reaching out to unlock the key. You could feel how his hand fell on your shoulder as if telling you to wait. But at this moment, you couldn’t even hear the words that he said. Whether it was some assurance or just another fact that might kill you slowly.

Pulling yourself away from him, you stumbled out from the car, slammed the door, and just ran, ran away as far as you can so you could breathe. 

You thought that maybe he loved you genuinely, waiting for you to be completely in love with him. That after all these times, he would be your endgame. But today, today showed you an opposite of it all, it was shown from how his eyes, his words, and his action toward you.

The glimpse of the love that you gave him was not that important. As long as he knew you were there on his embrace, as long as you still captured his lips even though you were not in love with him, he didn’t mind that at all, it was the least important thing that mattered.

Kuroo Tetsurou was not being patient, he didn’t wait for you to love him back.

He just tolerated you and your loyal heart.


	10. Old Friend

Water trickled down from his platinum-blonde hair. Both hands propped his body, gripping at the sides of the sink as he stood there in silence.

His brown orbs stared back to his reflection, ignoring how the water was still on. It stings when he took a shower earlier, hissing momentarily every time the dark burn spot on his chest made contact with anything.

Slowly, he lifted one of his hands to touch the scar, eliciting another painful curse from his lips as he kept being reminded that it was real.

You were there before, even standing right in front of him. You were there, with your eyes blazing every time someone provoked you. It was you that talked back at him, you who gazed at him with disgust, and it was you too — that left a hole in his chest.

But he couldn't really focus on his own pain right now. Physically, it hurts. But it was nothing that a little gel couldn't handle. Though with how the previous event replayed on his mind, he couldn't stop his heart from feeling the pang.

It was so strange to see you there, why would you stay in the surroundings that you must have known too well it could lead you to him and some of your other friends. You ran from them, hell, you even _left them_ without any warning. So he couldn't find a proper reason for why, why would you be there over any other places.

Maybe, maybe you wanted to support him and Aran. Maybe after all these times you still cared, that even though you left them, you kept track of what happened in the volleyball world. That maybe deep inside your heart, they all still matter to you.

But then again, he remembered how one of the members of the association had his arm wrapped around your figure, pulling your body close — and he came to a conclusion, that _his_ presence was the only reason you needed after all.

You didn't care, you were not there for _them_.

And he should let the fact sink in his brain.

Atsumu groaned as his mind felt too crowded right now. He washed his face one more time before turning off the faucet, grabbing the white bathrobe that hung on the door before covering his body with it. Walking out of the bathroom, he found Aran typing on his phone as he sat on the sofa near the window, lounging in the room that they had to share while humming softly to release some tension.

Before, he wanted to call his brother and tell the younger twin everything that happened. But he could imagine his brother scolding him for being too mean, he could hear all the jabbed words that the black-haired man would throw at him after he was done talking.

And honestly, to get blamed over the messy encounter was the least that he wanted to feel right now.

“Aran-kun.” He called out, swallowing a huge lump as he was still contemplating whether it was the best choice to share the event or not. His teammate just let out a hum of acknowledgement, still reading some news or answering important messages. “I-I met (Y/n) today.”

But the second your name rolled down his tongue, Aran stopped whatever he was doing, pupils widened slightly before setting his phone down at the coffee table beside him. Greyish-green eyes stared at him with disbelief, asking him in silence to replay the words. “I met (Y/n) today.”

Aran stopped on his track for a second, his breath hitched as he tried to process the information. He silently let out a long sigh with distress prevailed all over the place, biting his lips and interlacing his hand with each other. He didn’t know how to process this. The last time he saw you, you were in a grocery store all alone, buying lots of stuff that he teased how you were such a good wife.

It was a long time ago, really — seeing your face, and now he wondered what you looked like right now. You always looked so cheerful, even though you were alone you would occupy yourself with humming some songs. But when he saw you that time, he should have seen it.

How you flinched and looked so scared when he greeted you, how you tried to avert your gaze once in a while, or how your grip tightened as he chatted with you as if there was nothing brewing in your heart, he set aside all of the signs and just blurted out some mundane questions.

He asked why there was so much to buy, and you said so easily how you wanted to make sure that everything was there — so Shinsuke wouldn’t have to go out buying stuff after a long day of work.

How he wished he said something more if only he realised sooner that it was the day before you moved away.

He never heard anything from you ever since. When he came back to town two weeks later, he went up to check Kita’s household — yours and Shinsuke, wanting to meet up and just asked both of you to hang out with the others just like usual since everyone was currently back in town.

But the second he walked inside the house, he could feel that something was missing. His eyes scrutinize all the little details, finding lots of stuff that you bought two weeks prior. He really expected you to come out of the room, or maybe popping your head from the kitchen and greeted him.

It didn’t need a minute usually, you would always greet him and all of your friends with so much joy written all over your face, and arms opened wide to welcome them to the humble abode that you shared with a loving husband.

He was this close to asking Shinsuke where you were as minutes went by in silence. The lack of noise was too much for him to handle, and the air felt so heavy as he didn’t even see his friend’s lips shaped into a smile — something that was always there ever since you came into his life.

He gently plopped down on the couch, feeling the rice farmer eyeing his movement before asking him what he wanted to drink. It was just like usual, for either you or your husband to ask the guest to sit down first as they prepared some drink. But when his friend left him alone without keeping him company, he really needed to ask where you were.

_“She’s away.”_

_Shinsuke’s voice sounded so distant, didn’t bother to raise his volume even though he was in the kitchen, making Aran almost miss the answer if it was not because of the fact how quiet it was at the moment. And for him, it was too eerie, a thing that he never felt before inside this household._

_“Work or something?” Aran asked with the same enthusiasm, his voice didn’t falter since he still filled his mind with positive thinking. “It’s a pity, I thought I could see her challenging Atsumu to another drinking game today.” A chuckle slipped from his lips, followed by a small thank as his friend brought him a cup of coffee._

_There was no reaction from the man that he respected. Shinsuke just sat across from him, sipping a cup of lemonade tea that he prepared for himself. The man would usually chuckle when he heard things about you, smiling softly as his eyes glimmered with love. Yet now it was nothing as if your name was never once mentioned._

_As if you were never there in his life from the start._

_And this fact scared Aran to death._

_“Where did she go though?” He asked once again, pushing his friend to answer as he sipped the hot coffee on his hand, eyes never leaving the quiet man. “I hope she comes home soon.”_

_Shinsuke gripped his fingers tight around the handle, pulling the cup away from his lips. Still no answer, nothing came out from his friend as the warm brown orbs just looked at his own reflection on his cup. One that in a split second — ripples with how a drop of tears fell on the clear yellowish surface._

_“I set her free, Aran.”_

_The volleyball player was speechless, he didn’t want to conclude anything from the ambiguous sentence that his friend used. Everything was fine, two weeks ago he met you and everything was just fine. You bought some household appliances for the two of you to use, you would come back soon after your work trip, and everything would be alright. “She wouldn’t come back home.”_

_But the way his friend was trembling in front of him right now, holding on too tight at the porcelain cup until his knuckles turned white and with tears cascading freely on his tanned cheek — there was nothing which could assure him that everything would be alright._

_Comforting Kita Shinsuke was something that anyone could never do. Except maybe his grandmother, and you. Yet if the comfort was the one who caused him to cry like this, choking out sobs and muttering your name all over again, what else that he was supposed to do?_

_"She wouldn't come back to me."_

“So, it’s my fault, right?” He listened to Atsumu’s story with the thought from back then replayed back and forth in his mind. “I mean, I shouldn’t have been an asshole, I could have just teased her playfully or something and maybe she would run at me and tackle me into a hug instead of burning me with a cigarette.”

The setter was now pouting when he thought about it, making the older man shook his head, drained. He really wanted to scold the older twin for sure, but knowing how he already felt bad and understood what he did wrong — he thought there was no need to do so (after all, he was already tired from the information only, calming down a moody setter wouldn’t help himself).

“Well, at least we knew she was here.” _That was not enough actually_ , he wanted to say that, but the guilt inside the golden-brown orbs that belonged to his teammate stopped him. “You said she was there with another man? Who is it?”

Aran could feel how the temperature dropped when he laid the question. Atsumu’s eyes darkened for a split second, huffing in annoyance as if remembering the man disgusted him.

“That rooster-head man, from the association! Kuroo Testicle or something.” He exclaimed, making the poor outside hitter exasperated with how easily the setter was throwing weird nicknames for someone. “He was fishy, I know something is wrong with him from the start. When I see him with Shoyou-kun for the first time, Omi-kun and I agree that he couldn’t be trusted!”

“Go clean yer head, Atsumu. You hang out too much with Suna.”

“What do ya mean by that?!”

Aran let out a sigh once again, somehow a headache seemed to come often with the setter around. He wondered how come Shinsuke could handle him for two years, added the carbon copy that always made a ruckus on a daily basis. Oh well, that friend of his was not a normal human after all. It would be unfair to him if he compared himself to the man.

His greyish orbs eyed his teammate, mind already clouded with plan and strategy about how he could meet you, about how to get you to talk with them again.

There was only one way for it but he was not sure if it was a good idea.

Atsumu retracted himself after receiving no explanation from the spiker, grumbling under his breath as he couldn't believe that he was being compared to Suna. Now though it made him think about the middle blocker, made him think about what if that brunette met you, and what would be his reaction.

_Heh, probably crying._

That bendy man was the closest to you, the other person who really got affected by you leaving without a trace. To the point that he even closed himself even more when he realised that you left without saying goodbye.

Atsumu remembered the baggy eyes, lips shaped into a permanent scowl; in the first few months where they met each other on the court. Without you around, the middle blocker felt lost — just like what everyone felt. Though some of them could handle it still, while some of them really had their heart crumbled right in front of their eyes.

He was deep in thought when a familiar chime of ringtone filled the room. His brown pupils widened in surprise, halting himself from wearing a t-shirt as he frantically scanned the room for the source.

"Sorry, my phone."

The wing spiker's calm voice eases his mind, making him let out a sigh as he sets his mind to change his goddamn ringtone soon. Having the same sound rang from his phone with almost everyone (who was the same and practically too lazy to change their ringtone) on the team would be so confusing sometimes.

"Ah, Shinsuke. Good evening."

Atsumu whipped his head to his friend's direction, hurriedly closed his suitcase, and wore his shirt properly before storming to sit beside Aran. He was all ears, curious for whatever conversation that they had.

He couldn’t hear anything from the other line though, so he had to be patient and tried to conclude whatever his friend said as he talked with their former captain. His eyes glimmered with excitement, like a lost puppy wanting to get some food from some passerby.

Aran could only look at the setter with a tired look, somehow knowing that the rascal would stay and tried to understand the phone call between him and Shinsuke. He wanted to usher the man anyway though, needing some privacy in case his robot-like friend decided to be vulnerable once again.

But this, this was not the thing that he thought he would hear.

Atsumu raised one of his eyebrows when his teammate suddenly scrunched his face in horror, choking out on air before clearing his throat and acted like everything was fine. From this, his lips were ready to part as his mind itched for some kind of explanation.

"You are going to go on a _date_?"

Though right now, he probably had the same stunned look all over his face.


	11. Wall

Sunset always looked the same, no matter where you were in this world.

It would start with a yellowish hue before the colour would slowly get darker and darker, turning into a warm orange colour that up until now was one of your favourite things that you ever saw.

Around this time, you would usually drag your body to the front door, leaning yourself on the wall as you waited for your husband to come back home.

The orange hue of sunset was one of your favourite things, but when the light silvery grey came into view — that was a sight worth more than money could buy.

With a cup of tea in hand, you greeted him with a warm welcome. Both lips hurriedly intertwined, missing the times when work had to separate you and the person whose last name you bear. You would carefully extend your hand to the side, cautious not to drop the porcelain cup as your husband sucked the life out of your body.

The two of you ignored all the looks that everyone threw, they all knew how much in love Kita Shinsuke and his wife was, how they lived as if they were the only humans that breathe in this world.

Just you, him, and the sunset that fell upon both of your facades.

Something that you were really addicted to.

Something that you really aching to feel once more.

But now the cup of tea turned into a cup of styrofoam coffee. From the fresh bag of tea that he got from his friend, now became an overpriced coffee that you bought from a franchise shop.

From him capturing your lips, to you letting someone else replace the remnants of his love.

You didn't keep track of the time as you sat on this bench, secluded on the tallest point of the park. Your eyes fell on the city that had become your home for the past two years, the place where you turned a new page of life, wishing that you would find a different ending.

You found it though, the new ending where Kita Shinsuke might not be in it. Someone slipped into your life, reaching out his hand for you and you thought you would find a new love that felt the same, or maybe even better. The love which didn’t make you feel  _ trapped _ .

But it never felt the same from the start and you should have realised it sooner.

Right now you wanted to see him, you wanted to go back to the life where it was just you, him, and all of your friends that could make you feel complete. You craved it, missing it, the time when everything felt so right and you woke up knowing everyone was there for you.

For Osamu to deliver you a drink or comfort food when you were sad, for Suna to listen to all of your rants when you were so fed up, for Atsumu to crack some joke and make you smile in an instant when you needed to distract yourself, or Ginjima  _ attempting  _ to calm you down when you were in a rage.

You used to have so much. People that you didn’t deserve, companions in life that would have their arms opened wide just for you without hesitation.

And yet you just left, you left them all behind in hope for something better, something that wouldn’t remind you of the pain that you felt.

But as you took another step forward without them, you kept asking yourself if it was too late for you to turn back.

“(Y/n)-san?”

A soft voice from behind broke all of your thoughts and regrets that swirled inside your mind just now, taking you back to reality as you whipped your head to find the source of the voice.

Your pupils dilated a little as the familiar grey hair came into your vision, reminding you of a home as you remembered so well the time that you used to share with  _ her _ . She still looked so beautiful, so angelic as if she never aged since the first time you met her in high school.

Maybe, it was just in their family DNA that all Kita siblings were all so gorgeous.

“K-Kita-san!” You squeaked in surprise, standing up in an instant and clearing your throat as you tried to fix your cracked voice, not wanting to look vulnerable in front of her. “Sorry, yes I am (Y/n).”

She blinked, somehow trying to take all of you in, and you were there with the same face — trying to act cool like you weren’t thinking about her brother with almost every breath that you took. “May I help you with something, Kita-san?”

As if your question brought her back to consciousness, her beautiful orbs immediately went up to meet yours. She didn’t answer, yet she gave you a smile that was the same. Gentle, soft, and comforting, one that made you feel that it was just yesterday you met her, with chocolate cake in hand as you deliver the masterpiece that you made with Shinsuke.

“Just Ena is enough, (Y/n)-san.” She chuckled to ease the tension that you felt, somehow knowing that her presence was not really welcomed. “I just — I just never thought that I was going to meet you here.” But she decided to stay, she wanted to stay and try to understand what actually happened,

That was if you let her, of course.

“Oh, yeah.” You smiled sheepishly, swallowing a huge lump as your hand moved around frantically before deciding to grab the half-empty cup of coffee. “Want to sit, Ena?” Your voice cracked still, making your eyes twitched as her name rolled down from your lips like a stranger.

“I am afraid that I am going to bother you.” Her grey hair was tickled by the wind, making her tuck the strands of it behind her ear. “You looked so occupied with thoughts before, I didn’t want to disturb you or something, (Y/n).” Always so considerate, just like her whole family. “Wait, can I call you (Y/n) still? Or should I call you with your last name…?”

Her words trailed off as she darted her gaze to your left hand, sighing in maybe — _ relief _ — as she didn’t find any unfamiliar wedding band around your ring finger.

“Oh, no no, you can call me (Y/n), it’s fine.” You realised that you fell into her trap all over again as you could see a little knowing smile on her face. She was Shinsuke’s sister, after all, you should have let your guard up more. “And you didn’t bother me, Ena. Not at all, and never will.” But just like when you were with him, you always let her in.

“Then,” She took a step forward, closing the gap between you and her little by little. “Is it alright if I sit down with you? Promise I wouldn’t bother you  _ too much _ .” But she would, not much, but she would.

You gave her a curt nod, taking all of your belongings closer to one side so she could sit down. Her steps were so light as she smiled at you and sat down with her legs crossed. Always so graceful, making you envious sometimes how a mortal human could look like an angel.

Once she occupied herself by enjoying the view in silence, you immediately sat next to her, though leaving a few centimetres gap so you didn't have to feel suffocated by her presence. You knew that she would ask around, so you prepared yourself already, knitting some words inside your mind to answer whatever hell that she was going to throw.

Well, that or you would just keep silent if it became too much.

The gentle breeze that supposed to ease the tension ended up sending a shiver down your spine. It felt like the time had stopped as you waited. She didn't change, always made you feel intimidated most of the times when you were spending time together with her.

You couldn't do it, you couldn't enjoy the silence that fell upon the two of you as if nothing happened.

"What are you doing in Tokyo, Ena?" So you decided to be the one who opened up the way. "I am honestly as surprised as you are." Trying so hard to act like everything was fine, but still putting some distance as you kept your voice to complete professionalism. 

"Ah, that's what I want to share actually." She chuckled a little, though her eyes never left the panorama of the busy city. "You remembered my boyfriend? The one that stayed with me when my shitty ex put his seed  _ in  _ me?"

You nodded. Of course you remembered the things that happened when you were both still in college. When she found out that she was pregnant, yet the father of her child decided to run away. And in the middle of it all, like a miracle, someone slipped into her life and guided her out from her despair.

"Well, he is my husband now."

"Oh?" You missed it. "W-When was the wedding?" You were not there, of course you were not there.

"A year ago, not long after you were— you know. Decided to leave." There was a little ache from the way she said it, as if she was trying to hurt you a little. And even though it was so subtle and perhaps unintentional, it still nicked at your heart. "It's good though, not a grandiose wedding or something. But, somehow it did not really feel complete."

She turned to face you, greyish orbs penetrating yours as she tried to send a message across.  _ I wish you were there _ . The message that made you feel disgusted with yourself.  _ I wish you didn't leave me too. _

And as fast as he turned to look at you, you averted her gaze as if you had done nothing wrong — after all, there was nothing that you should have said. At least nothing that could fix whatever happened between you and her.

That was like a sign for her, and she understood well that you were not the same woman who walked towards her house every Sunday. You had this wall built around you so high that no one could climb to peek what was inside. Your gaze hardened, either it was to show that you had become cold or you didn’t want to show your vulnerable side to anyone — she couldn’t really understand you.

And after all, no one could. Not even your own family most of the time.

No one except  _ maybe  _ him, her brother, Kita Shinsuke.

You didn’t turn to face her as she stood up, dusting the non-existence wrinkles on her dress with her delicate fingers.  _ Just go, please. _ You begged inside your mind as you brought your coffee to your lips, sipping it as if someone didn’t just silently beg you to rekindle a bond that already wrecked apart.

Wasn’t it exactly what you wanted? To keep something from your past life? To rekindle the friendship that you decided to abandon?

But she was too close, she was too close to him, someone who pushed you to cut things off, who made you crumble all over again. So you decided to build your wall higher, lifting your chin as if you could conquer this world alone.

Yet a light chuckle that slipped from her lips made you waver in an instant. Something about how disappointment and sadness lingered there, how there was not even a hint of anger reverberated through her chuckles made you swallow a huge lump all over again.

“You have my condolence, (Y/n).” You didn’t budge, biting on the edge of the cheap styrofoam cup. “You guard yourself too much, cutting off things so easily.” All ears, letting yet another painful truth sinking in. “And in love with someone who didn’t try enough to get through you.”

It felt like deja vu as you listened to her. You took a memory from around two years ago, when tears cascaded down your cheek, you weeping on the lap of a wise, older woman. She recited how in this world, love itself was not enough, that no matter what if one couple could not synchronize — then that relationship was never meant to happen from the start.

The echo of her footsteps was what followed after. Two or three steps forward, but then stopped. 

You didn’t dare to move, didn’t dare to find out why she stopped all of a sudden even though you wanted to just run and tackled her body to the ground, you couldn’t. Your mind screamed harder than your heart that your limbs could do nothing but stay still.

“I just wish—” Her voice cracked a little, and then silence as she pondered if she should continue her sentence or just leave. “I just wish that someday, you will find love that will be worthy enough to make you  _ stay _ .”

But you needed to hear it. She didn’t know if next time would even exist.

She needed to let you know that leaving was  _ no better _ than not trying.


End file.
